Throwback Thursday – from November 2016
Two Lobes, No Waiting
I’M FEELING IN A MAGNANIMOUS MOOD TODAY.
I feel like reaching
out to my fellow bipeds and seeing if I can be of help. So, I have declared that today is officially:
FREE BAD ADVICE DAY!
For today – and today only – I will be dispensing free bad advice on a wide range of topics.
Let the games begin!
COFFEE — Coffee has become enjoyed, gourmet-ized, and snobbified like wine. I’m not into that so, my bad advice for the day concerning coffee is:
KEEP IT COMING!
I recommend consuming as many cups per day as makes you happy, energized, and more alert than the NORAD radar early warning line. If you are in a hurry, order a 20oz Espresso. That will get you through the morning and into the afternoon of March 30, 2025.
Any nervous side effects from consuming that much caffeine will have a positive side to it as well. You will be sure to get a seat on the bus or train because nobody will want to be near or sit next to you with your eyes spinning like a top. Mumbling to yourself can multiply the effect. Who knows? Do it well enough and often enough and you might get the bus all to yourself.
THE STOCK MARKET — Picking the right stocks so you can make a bundle, travel to great resorts, and retire in someplace better than Tampa, is really quite simple. Look for those companies that are run by the biggest crooks on the planet. Befriend these cretins and sweep up any insider trading tips you can find. “Is that legal?” I hear you say. Wellll…Let’s just say that sound waves float through the air until someone places an ear in the way. It’s kind of like that falling tree in the forest bit. If the tree of a hot tip falls its way to you over a price-fixing dinner or during a drug-induced debaucherized stupor, then it makes a noise that you just happen to hear.
I think that analogy/metaphor/plea should work if things get dicey. But you didn’t hear that from me. Check with your attorney.
CAR MAINTENANCE — Automobiles cost a lot, even ones that have been “reconditioned” in the wake of hurricanes and typhoons. Therefore, it pays to keep them in tiptop shape. Shop around for the best deal, but you don’t want to find out two seconds too late that your car’s airbags were made on a Monday by slave labor in a Thai prison factory that only employs ex-Phuket go-go girls and “Hostesses” trying to kick nasty drug habits. I wish ‘em luck.
I recently bought a new set of wipers from such a place. Not to condemn them, but I don’t think their new “Green” wipers are going to be a big seller.
So, to save money on your car’s upkeep I recommend exploring new, alternative sources for parts, but be careful because not all of them are reputable.
GOOD EATS — I like to eat. I do it every day and I’m always looking for new and exciting dishes and places to go and I have found a winner that is probably close to all of you.
If there is a college or university near you I can GUARANTEE that in at least one student dormitory room you will find someone fixing one of my favorite foods. All it takes is some bread, a few slices of cheese, and a steam iron. You won’t need the steam feature, unless you do it for dramatic effect.
In just a couple of minutes you can put together a scrumpdillyicious sandwich – and no need to tip some snooty, “I’m better than you are,” waiter at Denny’s or your mom’s place.
Just loiter around the campus and try to look like a student. Carry a book and engage in verbal outbursts with yourself, railing against anything that makes sense and you’ll fit right in. It’s not that hard if you skip bathing for a while.
Well, there you have it for today. We’ll do this again another day, real soon, because “knowledge is power” I’ve heard it said. I did it once before and the response was underwhelming. Here is a picture of the crowd that met to let me know how much they enjoyed it.