I Dare You
WHAT IS GOING ON? LIFE IS CHALLENGING ENOUGH. I don’t need people, most of whom I don’t know or couldn’t pick out of a police lineup, sticking their surgically modified noses into my world with “Challenges.”
The latest thing I’m having pushed upon me are these “Ten-Day Challenges” to convince me to eat better, exercise so that I too can have six-pack abs, or to transform me into a “World Citizen” – whatever that means.
About the only real “Challenges” I am really willing to deal with are:
Getting up in the morning,
Setting the controls on the toaster so I don’t burn my bagel.
Just the other morning I was watching the “Today” show for some reason and out of the blue Al Roker (Who has chubbed up a bit again) and a couple of the interchangeable other hosts started ranting and wagging their fingers at me to join their Ten Day Challenge. They were Double-Dog Daring me to eliminate all carbohydrates, Sugars, and Happiness from my diet. Their Nutrition Expert – who looks like she was just liberated from a Nazi Death Camp, was preaching about having me “Detoxing” my body to make me healthier like her. Right. I think that if I put a bacon cheeseburger down in front of her she would have a seizure…and then dive on it swallowing it whole.
How about if I offer up a Counter-Challenge?
I Challenge these people to, for the next ten days, to eliminate your urge to butt into my life, telling me what to eat or not to eat, how much exercise I should do, and how I should think and lead my life so I can be like you.
Somehow I do not think the crew on the “Today” show has shown that they are good role models on how to be living a sterling life. Am I right Matt Lauer? I doubt that they would respond well to my “Ten-Day Challenge.
About a year or two ago there was a Challenge fad going around where people were dumping buckets of ice water on their heads. I’m sure that there was a nebulous reason or cause behind it all, but I don’t remember what it was. It may have been to “Raise Awareness” about something or other. The beauty of doing something to “Raise Awareness” is that it is a way to participate in something easy to make yourself feel good without having to actually do anything legitimate about the object of your Awareness Raising. It is a lot like shadow boxing – it looks good, but it is perfectly safe and doesn’t get messy. Awareness Raising events are really good excuses for parties – “Awareness Raising” with wine and hors d’ouvres.
The “Ten-Day Challenge that has really had me laughing was the one that promised to make me into a better “World Citizen.”
I am already an Earthling. I always have been and, unless something drastic happens, I will remain an Earthling. I think that supersedes “World Citizenship.” The whole concept of “World Citizenship” sounds like an excuse to levy some new taxes on me and to make me watch the Nutrition Expert on the “Today” show.
Perhaps the best thing would be for me to give myself a Ten-Day Challenge – one to make me feel better and raise my own awareness. For the next ten days I will sleep an extra hour every morning. Then I will have an extra cup of coffee to raise my awareness of the world and all its citizens and Al Roker. After that I will toast my bagel and to make sure that it is healthier I will have an “Everything” bagel that is covered with all sorts of healthy looking seeds. How much more organic could I possibly be?
If all of that doesn’t work I’ll do something else and have a glass of wine with some hors d’ouvres.
I Ain’t Gonna Do It
Down the Hall on Your Left 
Think I’ll join you…
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