Faster, Higher, Stronger, And A Bit Annoying

IT OCCURRED TO ME LAST NIGHT while watching the swimmers and gymnasts, doing things that are usually done only by creatures with fins or prehensile tails, that I hadn’t written very much about the Olympics.

Well – Here goes.

I like the Olympics. I’m not athletic in any way, shape, or form, but I can enjoy and appreciate the efforts of those who are.

However, I do have some questions.

It was announced that there were approximately 205 countries represented. I Googled that and got back a list of 195 countries – supposedly a complete roster of all the countries in the world. Further Googling gave me another list of all the teams at the games in Rio – bringing the total up to 207. This is where I found a few answers.

The team created by the IOC for athletes who are refugees – I like that idea, and another consisting of “Independent Athletes,” whatever that means. I’m cool with that, but why does the city of Hong Kong have its own team? Or The U.S. Virgin Islands and the British Virgin Islands? Or Puerto Rico? Or Palestine? Or Guam? We’re getting closer to the Google number of 195.

The Vatican did not send a team – again.

As I looked over the list I did recognize every country there. Some of them sent teams that had just 3 people, but any more would have entailed moving the entire population to Rio. There are a few of these nations that are little more than a street address, but they are recognized as independent countries, and who am I to quibble?

Some of the sports being contested are just supercharged versions of games we’ve all played at picnics. Beach Volleyball? If you’ve ever spent any time at the ocean, you’ve played Beach Volleyball. Of course, I think to make it more realistic they should bury some broken beer bottles in the sand. Other “Picnic Games” would be Badminton, and Table Tennis (Ping Pong to you and me). Why no “Lawn Darts” or “Sack Racing?”

One thing I would suggest to make the games more exciting – Have the fencers all dressed as pirates. I’m just sayin’.

Maybe next time.

The Russian team is about half the size that was expected. It seems they had a problem with those pesky drug tests. When the results came back it was determined that about 50% of their athletes were actually the Oakland Raiders. It kind of makes me nostalgic for the old East German Olympic Teams. They used to be so pumped up with Steroids and Miracle-Gro that most of them had “Five O’clock Shadows” at 9 AM – including the women. They made Jose Canseco look like Barney Fife.

Ahhh, the good old days.

About the only thing I find really objectionable about the games is the Dairy Queen commercial that airs about 17 times each hour. I’m getting really tired of those people screaming “Whaaaaaaat?” to (more or less) a musical passage from “2001 A Space Odyssey.”  It almost makes me crave a Molotov Cocktail Blizzard.

The Games will go on for a few more days. Records will be broken. Some athlete’s dreams will come true. Others will see their dreams unfulfilled. So it goes.

For the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo we will see Baseball and Softball added to the list of competitions. Until then I’ll have to be satisfied with my current favorite: Synchronized Drug Testing.

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