I Hereby Resolve

 

I SUPPOSE THAT THIS IS the day when I should be posting about my resolutions for 2015. It is expected, no, societally demanded, of me.

I can’t stand the pressure.

There are some New Year’s Resolutions that I have been making, and then remaking, for a long time.

Lose Weight

That one goes back to prenatal days. My mother thought all that kicking I was doing was just random. Nope, I was doing my exercise workout, burning up those fetal calories. After all, my father was a 12 lb. baby at birth and I didn’t want to put my mother through that. He was 12 lbs. and his mother was about 4ft. 10in. tall. Needless to say, he was an only child.

My doctors tell me to lose weight every time I see one of them. They say being overweight will shorten my life. Then why is it that I see more old fat guys than I see old doctors? I don’t trust their scales, anyway.

I was down to see two of my Flying Patel Brothers doctors. The first one weighed me in at something like 3000 ½ lbs. Twenty minutes later I walked a few hundred feet to see the other Doctor Patel. He weighed me and came in with 2989 ½ lbs. I lost 11 lbs. walking from one office to the other down the hall! I have found the secret to quick weight loss: just see my two Patels! Of course, it won’t look too great if you see them in reverse order.

Not Be So Sarcastic

Bite me!

Get Out Of Debt

This is another one of those perennial resolutions. I think it started when I was about seven years old and started selling newspapers to the folks in the neighborhood. The debt part started when my customers noticed that I was selling them yesterday’s newspapers and my parents made me refund all the money. Of course, most of that cash had already disappeared down my pie hole, necessitating the recurrence of the “Lose Weight” resolution. It was a vicious circle.

 

Learn Something New

Actually, this is one resolution that I have found rather easy. The problem is (according to my wife, the neighbors, and local law enforcement) finding something new to learn that doesn’t involve drones, paintballs, or gunpowder.

 

So, you see, I could sit down and make a long list of cliché resolutions that would make me sound like the biggest Dweeb in the western hemisphere (take up Yoga, build a tree house for the squirrels, and faithfully watch “American Idol” and always vote for the cute one.), but that ain’t gonna happen any more likely than I would resolve to go to a Major League Baseball game and insist on buying only “organic” hot dogs.

Single Post Navigation

← Older Entry

Newer Entry →