Exercising My Right to Not Exercise

I KNOW A MAN who has taken up a new hobby – using a portable metal detector to hunt for, well – metal. It gets him out of the house and all the walking around is good exercise.

Exercise is good for you, but it is something that I tend to avoid. I saw my doctor just yesterday and he asked me what I did for exercise. I told him that I stumble.

One of my other doctors (I have a stable full of them, mostly named Patel) gave me some papers outlining a variety of exercises that I should consider. I did. I looked at them, I considered them, and I rejected the very notion of them. I don’t do push-ups. I have never done push-ups and I have no intention of starting now, thank you very much.

I am 68 years old. People tell me that I look younger than my age. Well, this is what 68 looks like today. In 1776 I am sure that 68 looked much different. Back then 68 usually looked dead.

Thomas Jefferson was only 25 when he wrote the Declaration of Independence. In today’s world Jefferson would be wearing a ball cap turned backwards, be semi-literate, unable to read or write cursive, and be living in his parent’s basement.

But I digress. I was talking about exercise and my aversion to it.

I feel the way I do about exercise because:

1. I have one leg that periodically decides to secede from the union and march to its own drummer. Such fun.
2. I have had various doctors suggest that I go for new knees, hips and ankles. I don’t think so. I came in with this equipment. I intend to go out with this equipment. And finally –
3. I can’t picture myself “Mall-Walking” with a bunch of other Geezers. I have no desire to repeatedly walk past the Victoria’s Secret store.

 

If I was supposed to be spending my time exercising God wouldn’t have invented the Universal Remote.

So, my friend can continue to walk through the park uncovering dropped coins and beer can tabs. He enjoys it. It’s just not for me. If I want to uncover lost coins I will check under the sofa cushions and I don’t need any beer can tabs.

I do exercise in my own way. I take out the trash. I even roll the can out to the curb. I do the laundry. Of course the machine is doing the hard part. It would be different if I had to take it all down to the river and beat it on a flat rock.

I even do most of the grocery shopping. I get in some real mileage there because they keep moving stuff around on me. I even once found some dropped coins in the Produce Section – and I didn’t have to buy a metal detector. So, I figure I’ve turned a profit.

Excuse me, but I’ve got to go work out now – Jeopardy! is coming on. Hand me the Remote.

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