I May Lose A Friend Over This
“BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER” someone once said. It wasn’t me. I’m the kind of person who actually likes the sound of bagpipe music…in small doses. I once owned a car that was the same color as me – kind of a pasty, sickly, Eastern European – needs to get out more, flesh tone. People used to say that it looked like someone’s elbow coming down the street. So coming to me as an Arbiter of Beauty is risky business.
What brings this all up as a topic of conversation is – Wallpaper.
The other day I had the occasion to visit a friend’s home for the first time in almost a year. He and his wife wanted to show me their home since they did some serious remodeling. I thought their place was quite nice beforehand, but they wanted to fix it up “To reflect more of our own taste.” I had no idea what that meant. But – OK by me. I wasn’t paying for it.
Like I said, I make no pretense toward being the man who knows it all when it comes to fashion, style, and beauty. After all, I’m the guy who was criticized for wearing a Hawaiian Shirt to a funeral. Hey, it was 95° and the late guest of honor liked my shirts. And he was dead. So, why not?
Anyway… back to my friend’s home remodeling Big Reveal.
I had no idea what to expect, but nothing I could have imagined would have prepared me. Personally I would never have painted the walls in my living room a bright sort of egg yolk yellow. They said they did so because they wanted it to look “Cheerful.” It made me feel like I was visiting the surface of the Sun. However, it did help to highlight the crossed “Star Wars” Light Sabers on the wall above the couch.
The Wallpaper that got me typing this screed was in their all new Dining Room. As I came
around the corner and entered the Dining Room I hit my brakes. I felt like I was being transported from Terre Haute (That’s French for, “Sweet Jesus, that’s ugly.”) to a glass specimen slide in an Electron Microscope.
There it is – “The Wallpaper From Hell.”
To me it looks like a 10,000 power magnification of a drop of water from the most polluted river in the world.
I sneaked this picture after I stopped reeling. I wanted to take another picture, but the camera app on my phone froze up – out of a sense of self preservation I suspect. That second picture was going to show you that the drapes on the windows matched the wallpaper.
I am not kidding.
The rest of their remodeled home seemed almost bland after that Dining Room. I have never been in a French Provincial Bathroom with a built-in hot tub decorated with scenes of Paris. It was very Les Miz.
I think the problem with their efforts to make their home very upscale and “Classy,” is twofold
A) They had too much disposable income.
B) They had absolutely no one who was willing to kill them before they started remodeling.
Am I being too harsh? I honestly don’t think I am. They invited me to see their home. I went and was very polite in a non-committal way. When they asked me what I thought I told them in a steady voice,
“I am speechless.”
They smiled and hugged me.
When I left their home I went directly to my Doctor’s office and got a tetanus shot.