Christmas is hard upon us again and, with the dreaded “Black Friday” looming like a friend of your mother’s just waiting to pinch your cheeks, I offer some advice. The following is something I learned last year.
It was just before Christmas and I was down at the Mall with my wife doing some shopping and she took me into unexplored territory – Terra Incognita: The Body Shop.
She said that she was looking for something “scented” for her friends.
“This is Cranberry/Tangerine, Dear. What do you think?”
“That would be good on toast,” I answered honestly. I’d missed breakfast.
“This is Pomegranate.”
“I don’t smell anything. Wait a minute… Nope, all I smell is that plastic cap.”
She gave me that look.
“Honest, Darlin’, I don’t smell anything. Maybe I’m not wired to smell Pomegranate. My people came from Eastern Europe. There were no Pomegranates in Lithuania. Maybe it’s genetic.”
I spent the next twenty minutes sniffing lotions, soaps and other stuff that I could not identify.
Here’s my point.
Men do not appreciate or in many cases even recognize “scents” and “aromas.” Men are more…basic. We deal in smells.
Now, the Body Shop, wonderful company that it is, deals in scents and aromas that women buy, in large part, to make themselves appealing. It can’t be because they want to smell like the produce section at Kroger’s. It is to draw men closer. And here is where the system fails.
If women really want to be alluring to the nasal passages of men they should adorn themselves, not with scents and aromas, but with some really good smells.
What smells do men like?
Cash. (That was tough.)
What guy could resist sidling up to a gal who smelled like a large order of McDonald’s French Fries?
“Oh, yes, I do believe I’d like fries with that.”
Ladies — What about “That New Car Smell?”
But the ultimate in attractive smells…pay close attention, I’ve put some thought into this. If you want healthy, red-blooded, virile American men at your beck and call – before you leave the house, behind each ear, just put a little dab of: “Eau de Season Tickets.” You’ll have guys following you like bloodhounds after a wounded escapee.
That’s it in a nutshell – My Holiday Shopping Tip for this year. Forget the Old Spice. Forget that fifty buck pair of driving gloves. Get the man in your life a smelly, game used, uniform jersey from Pablo Sandoval or whichever sports figure he likes who sweats like a Bishop getting a lap dance.
No scents, no aromas, just some good old eye watering smells.
Merry Christmas and Play Ball!