Down the Hall on Your Left

This site is a blog about what has been coasting through my consciousness lately. The things I post will be reflections that I see of the world around me. You may not agree with me or like what I say. In either case – you’ll get over it and I can live with it if it makes you unhappy. Please feel free to leave comments if you wish . All postings are: copyright 2014 – 2021

Archive for the tag “Indiana”

Adventures in Real Estate

 

real estate agent

 

I’VE NEVER BEEN ONE to delve too deeply into the world of Real Estate. I just find it all mystifying, fraught with language designed to confuse (At least it seems to me that way), and absurdly expensive. The people who do it for a living, however, I find to be, generally, fascinating in their own gut wrenching way. Let me explain.

For any of you who work in Real Estate, I apologize in advance. I mean no harm and, heck, you’re working for a living.

Working for a living and relying on Commissions to pay the bills, is tough. I’ve done it, I know. It can be either feast or famine. One month you are eating prime rib and the next month you’re fighting with Fluffy for that last can of Friskies.

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Squirrels

squirrelNOW THAT CHRISTMAS IS OFFICIALLY over, and I really don’t give a rat’s behind about New Years Eve, I’d like to talk about something that’s been on my mind quite a bit lately – Squirrels.

After a lot of thought, and an exhaustive fact-finding mission to St. Arbucks, I have determined that squirrels are the dumbest animals on Earth.

Sure, I know that there aren’t many squirrels actually inside the Chapel at St. Arbucks, but it’s more fun than a fact-finding mission to Wal-Mart. Anyway, I think we can all agree – squirrels are dumb.

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A Christmas Story

FloridaWITH THIS BEING CHRISTMAS EVE and all, my thoughts turn to Family. Today, in particular, makes me think of my late Uncle Paul and Aunt Nellie.

It wasn’t that many years ago, on a Christmas Eve, when they seared themselves into both my memory and my gag reflex. Let me explain.

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Manna From Texas

Barbecue-_PhotoFOR REASONS THAT BECOME increasingly obvious as the temperature drops and Christmas comes closer – we will soon be heading to Texas for the holidays.

On Christmas Eve we will pile into the car after the Annual Christmas Eve Services at church and drive up to the Indianapolis area for the night. The next morning, Christmas Morning, we will get onto the Great Silver Bird called Southwest Airlines and fly to Texas.

Hopefully, all will go well and our flight from Indy to Houston will be uneventful and on time so that we can then get onto the Not So Great Silver Bird called by some other, less known name, and make the short jump down to Corpus Christi. Once there, we will collect our luggage and be met by an, as yet unnamed, family member who will drive us the final half hour to the Family Home. Read more…

The Time Between Tick and Tock

Wright FlyerTHIS PAST WEDNESDAY, December 17th was an anniversary. 111 years ago, in 1903, Wilbur and Orville Wright proved that Man could, indeed, fly – when Orville piloted their “Flyer One” biplane on a 12-second flight over the sand dunes at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. The entire distance he covered in that first flight was less than the wingspan of a Boeing 747 “Jumbo Jet.” Little did they realize how grandly they would change the world.

I remember my father telling me, back in July of 1969, that, in just his lifetime, he had seen the world go from horse drawn wagons to astronauts walking on the moon. And now there are men and women in their 50s who have not been alive in a time when people have not been venturing into space.

Time stretches out in an orderly, regular fashion, but events compress it into Ages, Eras, Seasons, and Periods. Next year won’t come until next year, but it is already part of what is called the “Space Age” and the “Computer Age.”

Christmas won’t come until later this week no matter how much a child may hope and wish, but it is already firmly locked into the “Holiday Season.”

When the Wright Brothers took those first, fledgling flights above the beach, they moved at a speed that could be exceeded by a child on a bicycle. Today there are aircraft that can outrun the sun, making the Day appear to expand to more than 24 hours.

Theoretical physicists and engineers talk about tomorrows when we will move at speeds so fast that Time itself becomes plastic – a day when the distance between “tick” and “tock” will be different for you and me, depending on how quickly we fly.

When Orville took his first ride on their “Flyer” he did more than test a new invention – he closed the door to the Past and opened the hangar door to untold, barely imaginable, Tomorrows.

At some point in the future Mankind may decide to measure time from a new starting point, ala the fictional “Stardate” calendar in the Star Trek TV series and films. I suggest that they could not choose a better Day One than December 17, 1903.

Fight Night in Omaha

boxing in OmahaTHIS PAST JUNE we had the opportunity to spend a week in Omaha. While there we found ourselves caught up in one heck of a fight on a Saturday night. It was a bigger deal than I had anticipated and noisier than I could comfortably tolerate.

It was a World Championship Title fight for the Lightweight crown and it took place at the Century Link Center, just across the street from where we were staying at the Hilton hotel. 

I should have become suspicious when the Baseball College World Series crowd moved out on Saturday morning and several hundred trainers, boxers, fans and hangers-on from all over the western hemisphere moved into the hotel. I haven’t seen that much scar tissue since I performed at a California biker bar in the mid 1980s.

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Sister Modesta – With a Black Belt in Theology

mean-nun GOD BLESS SISTER MODESTA. She loved teaching so much that she did it for 51 years. I had her for her 50th year at the front of the classroom in the basement at St. Mary’s Catholic Grade School. It was 6th grade for me. It was Hell for her.

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Exercising My Right to Not Exercise

mallwalkersI KNOW A MAN who has taken up a new hobby – using a portable metal detector to hunt for, well – metal. It gets him out of the house and all the walking around is good exercise.

Exercise is good for you, but it is something that I tend to avoid. I saw my doctor just yesterday and he asked me what I did for exercise. I told him that I stumble.

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Baristas in the Mist

Saint Arbucks

AS I SIT QUIETLY in the Chapel at St. Arbucks sipping on myVenti Skinny Pumpkin Pie Spice Viagra Latte I can see a man up on a ladder behind the counter. When I asked my Barista (Notice that I capitalized Barista – they deserve a little respect.) what was up I was told that the guy on the ladder was installing a camera so that the customer in the Drive-Thru could see the person taking their order. I’m not sure that this is a good idea.

My first reaction to this technological intrusion was that Patrick, the guy I see manning the window most days, was going to have to start wearing pants.

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The Eyes of Texas Were Upon Me

texas welcome sinI’M MARRIED TO A SOUTHERN GAL.  She is from Texas – a wonderful woman.

When we first met it almost never got off the ground. We were just talking, me being smooth and virile, and her being an adult. She asked me when my birthday was.  July third I told her. She got real pale and things got real quiet. The temperature in the room dropped 20 degrees.  It turns out that I have the exact same birthday as her ex-husband. How thoughtless of me to pick the same day of the year to be born.  It’s not my fault.

We got past that, and she has finally come to the realization that, fate being what it is, she only marries men born on July third. I’ve told her that if this marriage doesn’t work out her next in line is Tom Cruise. My wife is 5′ 2″. Tom Cruise is about what – 3 feet tall?  I figure I’m safe.

Of course, my wife says that she no longer believes in divorce.  She now believes in mysterious circumstances.

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To Boldly Go…

Star Trek Colonoscopy A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO my doctor decided that I needed to have a Colonoscopy.  Are you familiar with that most fun of all medical procedures? This where they insert a camera … A CAMERA… up into your body through your rectum to look for “anything unusual”.  If you can look up into someone’s butt and know that something is “unusual,” you’ve been doing that for much too long.

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The Dumbest Thing I’ve Ever Done

gorilla-gorilla

BEING HUMAN BEINGS, such as we all are, to the best of my knowledge, we tend to, on a fairly regular basis, do dumb things.

Of course, there are different Levels of Dumbness.  

For example:

Looking back to your Senior Prom and remembering how difficult it was trying to teach a sheep to slow-dance.

Making anonymous obscene phone calls to 911

At Christmas, giving your wife or Sweetheart a gift card – to the local Dollar General store.

Trying to impress your date by ordering in French – at Taco Bell.

Going into a Biker Bar and ordering an Appletini.

Going to college and majoring in Theater, with a minor in Political Science.

I did that one myself.  Smart move.  I still had the cap and gown on when I realized that the only things I was actually qualified to do were to either stage a coup or turn Ecuador into a musical.

But, perhaps, the dumbest thing I have ever done, aside from various interpersonal relationships with unstable, but attractive women, was the time I held hands with an 800# Gorilla.

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