It Warms My Cockles

 

OH, THAT FEELS GOOD!

It may be 33 degrees outside, but I am roasty-toasty warm inside. The furnace is on. I’m wearing three layers (not chickens) and I have my electric throw plugged in and I have a Hunter’s Hand Warmer in my pants. I’m warm and I like it.

I would never have been a great Arctic explorer. Amundsen and Byrd would have pushed me overboard when they caught me trying to convince the crew that Miami was close enough to the Pole.

“Let’s all stop here and have a hot toddy.”

When the thermometer begins its slide into the range that causes talk of things like “Wind Chill” and “Antifreeze,” I break out my Thermal Thongs.

We got into a discussion over coffee the other day about the different ways people stay warm. The ancient Cave Dwellers had few options: Bonfires inside the cave, cuddling up to each other, fleas be damned, or having a 3 Dog Night every night until Spring. I prefer more controllable ways to achieve comfort. I want a Thermostat and something I can plug in.

I got an early Christmas gift from my wife, the lovely and thermo-savvy, Dawn. She ordered me an electric throw that I can wrap around my Corpus Delirioso and turn up to the max. It is a lightweight electric blanket that I can deploy while sitting in the Rip van Winkle Memorial Chair. It doesn’t have pockets so it is not officially one of those “As seen on TV Snuggies.” So I don’t feel so Nerdish using it. It has a control thingy that goes from One to Five. One is just a bit above room temperature and five can toast your bagels.

As I write this I am keeping warm by cradling a cup of hot coffee like it was a delicate egg…or, more accurately, like it was a cup of Nitroglycerin. I prefer the egg analogy. I intend to consume the hot coffee and I can’t picture myself downing 16 ounces of Nitro.

I’d be afraid to pass gas.

During this early morning talk about warmth it surprisingly turned into a teaching moment when I brought up the use of those dry chemical hand warmer things. One of the guys had never heard of them. I tried to explain how they work, but I really don’t know either. All I ended up doing was to confuse him even more. I kind of clouded it up for myself as well. I offered to bring one in for him to see and play with. Of course I have forgotten to do that and now we are both going out of town again.

I guess it was just not meant to be. Sort of an Anti-Kismet.

Having these conversations so early in the morning somehow always presents problems. We are all getting older old and our hearing is not always sharp, just like our Reasoning Powers. I may be talking Reasonably to someone, but that Geezer may be hearing me in Ludicrous. Being Bi-lingual is fine, but I’ve never seen an “English to Ludicrous Dictionary.”

When I’m cold I want to get warm and I’ll do most anything to get me there. I just try to avoid explosives and other species.

Brrrrrr, it is colder in here now than when I started writing this.

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