One Stop Holiday Shopping

 

I LIKE TO EAT. I DO IT EVERY DAY. There are times when I do it too often and too much. My most dangerous times are the Holidays. I don’t mean just Christmas and Thanksgiving – those are holidays that have become celebrations of Gluttony. I’m talking about other holidays. I can do some serious eating during the festivities around Groundhog Day and the Commemoration of the Founding of the National League.

I don’t need much of an excuse.

One of the things that I really like (and in some cases dislike) are those special dishes that are only ever prepared for a specific holiday. I like Turkey and dressing in November. I do not like it in July. In July I like Hotdogs and Bratwursts. I do not want them at Christmas. I do not enjoy that quivering jellied mass of cranberry sauce (Which is not a sauce!) at Thanksgiving. It is an abomination and should be dropped into the depths of the Marianas Trench in the Pacific Ocean.

I just saw an article about that stuff. It claimed that 46% of Americans find it “disgusting.” Those are my kind of people. I knew that I was not alone with my feelings about that stuff. I can remember growing up, sitting around the family table at Thanksgiving and seeing that purple-ish quivering mass sitting on a plate in the middle of the table next to the turkey. I was sure that it was alive and, at any moment, it was going to burst out of that jellified cocoon and kill us all. It never did, but I never saw anyone, except my Great-Aunt Mary, eat any of it.

In the course of that article about holiday foods the author also mentioned that a lot of people don’t like, hate even, the traditional Green Bean, Onion, and Mushroom Soup Casserole. I love that crap. Even as a kid I thought that the Thanksgiving Turkey was not the centerpiece on the table, but the Green Bean Casserole was. I still think that way, but apparently it is not a unanimous decision.

I don’t care. I know that I am right and those naysayers can all go and eat Swanson’s TV Dinners for Christmas.

 While we were down in Texas recently in the wake of the Ireland Pilgrimage I was pushing a shopping cart through the local H.E.B. supermarket when I saw something, not only new, but monumental. There on the endcap of an aisle leading to the Turkey Bin I saw this.

If you can’t figure it out for yourself I will play Tour Guide.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, on your right you will see the new multi-layered ‘Do It Yourself Green Bean Casserole Kit Monument.’

“On the top row you will find two, count ‘em two, rows of French’s crispy fried onions. Right below them you will spot a supply of the perfect casserole dishes in which to make your delicious holiday treat.

“Next on our agenda you will see can after can of green beans, the heart and soul of this holiday staple. Notice that they are priced at a super bargain price of two for a dollar.

“The next and final rows are filled with large cans of Cream of Mushroom Soup. What more could you ask? Here it is – a one stop Green Bean Casserole Kit!”

Well, there you are. Does it set your mouth to watering?

I’m ordering a pizza.

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