Let’s Take Another Look At That
OH, I GET IT! You’re doing your Stevie Wonder impression. No? What happened? Tell me…if it doesn’t involve the Police.
Thus began my morning last Monday as I walked into the Chapel of St. Arbucks.
“Oh, you broke your glasses? That’s why you are wearing sunglasses at 6 AM.”
At least it wasn’t me who had the broken glasses.
I have been wearing glasses since I was six years old. I got them after my first grade teacher, Sister Mary Butch, sent home a note to my parents that read (To the best of my recollection) “Your son, Johnnie (The little snot) can’t read worth a darn. Get his eyes checked.” So, I learned what an Optometrist was before any of my classmates. I looked so distinguished in Wire Rims…sort of a Sixties Radical appearance – only in 1952.
In all the years since those first small glasses I am proud to say that I have never lost or broken them. I’ve had them fall apart on a number of occasions with lenses popping out or an earpiece falling off without warning, but I never broke them. What happens is that those teeny-tiny screws work themselves loose and fall out. When they go everything comes to a screeching halt. The problem is that when the screws fall out and I try to put them back in – I can’t see well enough to put those impossibly small things back into those almost invisible holes. How am I supposed to fix my glasses if I have to take them off to do it? It can be such a cruel world.
About the Usual Suspect in the Tom Cruise Sunglasses – He got up and reached for his Specs and they snapped in half in his hand. If they had been plastic frames he could have done “Revenge of the Nerds” tape repair to get back in the game, but his were metal and it just doesn’t look or work very well. His only solution was his prescription sunglasses. They worked, but they made him look like a Cold War Era East German Spy.
I don’t have any prescription sunglasses. I used to until our car was stolen a couple of years ago and the dummy who took the car must have astigmatism because he took my sunglasses. He left my CDs behind in favor of a pair of filthy sunglasses. Since then I haven’t bothered to replace them. I had cataract surgery almost two years ago and they gave me some sunglasses to wear while that process was taking place. They are the biggest and ugliest things you have ever seen. The only people I have ever seen wearing them are the Ancient Senior Citizens who are parked in front of the nickel slot machines in Casinos. Big Sunglasses and Portable Oxygen Tanks, feeding their pensions into the One-Armed Bandits five cents at a time.
I may be old, but I will never become one of Them.
Our Usual Suspect with the broken frames got them replaced that day. The next morning he was back into the swing of things in a pair of identical metal frames. After sixty years he didn’t want to start dealing with a change as basic as a new look. He was afraid that his cat wouldn’t recognize him.