Don’t Go Postal On Me

I SAW SOMETHING LAST NIGHT that had me scratching my head. It wasn’t lice so you can get that idea out of your mind right now. No, it was an ad on our E-lectric Telly-vision. There was a commercial advertising the Post Office. An ad for the Post Office? Why would they be advertising?

If I want to send a letter to my aunt Tillie in Temecula where else am I going to go? I suppose that I could take my letter to the UPS Store or Fed Ex, but they would charge me $85 and then I guarantee that they’d lose it or send it to someone in Turkmenistan. My Aunt Tillie doesn’t live in Turkmenistan…any longer. If you ever meet her do NOT mention Turkmenistan to her. The emotional scars are still too fresh, but the pictures are nice.

Anyway…

I cannot understand why the Post Office would spend beaucoup tax dollars to advertise when they are one of the few real monopolies in this world. The Post Office and the Mafia are about it and the Mafia doesn’t deliver mail. They may take you for a ride, but not your Christmas Cards.

I watched that commercial and I can assure you that everyone appearing in the ad was an actor. They were all neat and clean. They were all smiling and had a twinkle in their eyes that wasn’t put there by Methamphetamines. They sure weren’t from my local Post Office. The Postal Workers I have to deal with all look like they are there as a part of a Work-Release program from the State of Utah. Angry Mormon Felons. A surly guy who can barely make change does not inspire confidence and advertising doesn’t help.

Perhaps it would have been better if they had told the truth in their ad.

“We will deliver your mail. You are already paying through the nose for our salaries and pensions, so you might as well give us your business. We can also ship your packages…as long as you are not in any great hurry. We can also ship any live animals you may have that you can stuff into one of our boxes – just like UPS and Fed Ex! We have more experience than they do with things like that. Heck, we used to allow you to send your children through the U.S, Mail!”

Yup. Back in the early part of the twentieth century it was legal to send kids through the mail. I just can’t picture someone slapping some stamps on little Jimmy’s noggin and dropping him in the box.

I do understand that the Post Office is in competition with the likes of those other delivery companies, but they’ve also had a 200 year headstart on them. If Benjamin Franklin was running the show today he would have the USPS pushing UPS and Fed Ex into the dirt and still have time to pose for the five dollar bill.

I guess that I just don’t cotton to the Government trying to sell themselves to me. Can I take my business elsewhere? Could I hire the Colombian Government to deliver my letters to Aunt Tillie? I sincerely doubt it. They are too busy using their vehicles and staff to deliver Cocaine.

I guess that I’m stuck with our Government’s Post Office – you know – the one that is already busy filling my mailbox with Subway ads and coupons for discount hearing aids.

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