Keep The Dog Out Of The Tub

EVERY DAY I AM INUNDATED with dozens of articles on my computer/phone. They come from all kinds of sources. Some are familiar, but others are completely unknown to me.

There was one last week sitting in my inbox that got my attention. It had the title “Fifty Things That Make Life Worth Living.” That’s not too pretentious now, isn’t it? Fifty things? Are you sure it’s not 52? Or maybe it’s 48 things. Maybe I’m too simple, but I don’t think I need fifty things to make my life worth living. As a matter of fact I’m sure of it.

When I finally got around to actually reading that article over lunch I almost choked on my tuna fish

salad sammich. Whoever wrote that article must be the shallowest person this side of the Kardashian house. Let me toss you a few examples of what makes life worthwhile for the article’s scribbler.

Doggy Kisses – What the…? Time to get out and mingle with your own species. I like dogs. I like kisses. Put the two together and I’m not so sure.

Warm Laundry – Not cold laundry or even tepid laundry. It must be warm. Maybe this is the kind of person who loiters around Laundromats giving everybody the Heebies and the Jeebies. Warm Laundry??

Clean Sheets – OK. Now I’m catching on. This writer is into bed linens. Kinky, but harmless I suppose – unless you are a hotel maid.

The Smell of Cut Grass – It didn’t take me very long, reading this article between bites of my tuna on white, to realize that “Making Life Worth Living” for the author is a matter of physical sensations: Smells; Warmth, Animal Saliva… Whatever makes you happy I guess. For me I need things a little more interactive than dogs and tumble dryers. People perhaps?

Reading in the Bath – Now that may be a goody for people, but if you are a person with only one fully functional arm (like me) the idea of sitting in a tub while holding a book is just asking for trouble. I know that I will either drop the book into the water or get all shriveled from staying in the water until I finish the book. Either way it would not be a pleasant experience.

Dark Chocolate – OK, I’ll give him that one. Dark Chocolate is one of the great joys of life on earth, but

I’m not as fussy about this as the author. Dark Chocolate, Light Chocolate, Milk Chocolate. I would amend the wording on this one to read: “Nearby Chocolate.”

See, I’m not being a cynical critic here. The person who wrote this article got some things right. Not many things, mind you, but a few. I think that he is guiltier of a sin of omission than one of commission.

Keeping with his theme of shallow, yet decidedly concave, things I would have to include Pepperoni Pizza. I love the taste. I love the aroma. I wish I had one instead of this tuna fish salad sandwich. I honestly think that at this moment in time a Pepperoni Pizza would make my life worth living. Make that it would make my Lunch Worth Eating. Add a few packets of the crushed pepper things and then we can talk about my life.

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