I’ll Be Here All Week
I HAVE HEARD THAT IT IS A GOOD PRACTICE to go through your computer every so often and root out old and duplicate files. It is like digging into the back of that closet to pitch whatever no longer fits or is so out of style you’ll never wear it again. The last time I ventured into my closet I tossed out all of my 1970s Double Knits and Disco Duds.
As far as doing that in my computer hard drive I uncovered some long lost but interesting stuff. Old stories that never got finished, and links to sites and people long forgotten. In the midst of all those antiquated items I found a couple of gems. Well, maybe not gems, but things that still work and are worth keeping. One thing I resurrected was a short Stand Up piece that I used to do in days gone by. The date on the file was 2007.
One key to doing survivable Stand Up is knowing your audience. One bit that might work with one audience might start a fist fight if done with another crowd. Audience Number One might laugh while Audience Number Two might load their guns and grab a rope.
The following piece of mine might be found offensive by some. Others won’t. Some people found it funny while others wanted to burn me at the stake. Judge for yourself. Just remember that it is illegal to kill the comedian and it tends to make a mess on the floor.
Here it is – a bit I called, “Jesus’ Next Door Neighbor.”
JESUS’ NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR
There has been a lot of speculation lately about “Jesus, the Man.” Was he married? Did he have children? Who knows?
What we do know is that, for a time, He lived in the town of Nazareth – in a house. And if he lived in a house in Nazareth He had neighbors…
“Hey, Jesus. It’s me, Moises, your friendly neighbor from the hovel next door. I want to return the carpenter’s tools you loaned me. They were your dad’s, right? It’s a shame You didn’t take over his business. My dad was a barber. I still have his tools. So, if you ever want a trim… you know, go for that clean cut Roman look, let me know.
Oh, I see your mother is visiting. Hello there, Missus Jesus’ Mother. Hail Mary, how are you? You know, Jesus, you’re a very lucky guy. Your mother still comes over and cooks and cleans. She keeps your place immaculate. What a concept – A mother who visits and cleans up after her thirty year old son. I should be so lucky.
Did I tell you my wife and I went over to Herod’s Palace last weekend? We caught the show. They had a comedian. Some guy they brought in from Rome. They said he’s played at Caesar’s. I think his name was Facetious.
Let me tell you one of his jokes.
“What do you call 100 Essenes and 10 hungry lions? – Feeding Time.”
They had a huge buffet at the Palace. It was good, but not as good as that cookout you had last month. There must have been 5000 people there and you just pulled out those 5 loaves of bread and some fish, from I don’t know where, and fed everybody. You should open a restaurant. What a meal! And where did you get that wine? People are still talking about it.
This weekend we’re going to Capernaum to visit my mother-in-law. It’s a long walk all the way around the lake. I wish there was a shortcut. There is, really? Tell me. (do finger walking gesture)
Oh, Jesus, you are funny! Walk across the water. I keep forgetting how much of a crack-up you are. You forget. I was there when you gave that sermon on the mount. “The meek shall inherit the earth.” Hey, from Your lips to God’s ears.
What? Can I do you a favor? Sure. You’re going away and want me to watch the hovel for you? How long you going to be gone? Whoa! – forty days and forty nights? Better pack a lunch my friend.
You going alone or are you taking your posse with you? What – Oh…“Apostles?”…my bad. If you don’t mind me saying, you hang out with a “unique” bunch of guys. I like Peter. He rocks, but some of the others. That Judas… he creeps me out. I understand. You trust him with your life but….
Well, hey, I gotta run. My wife wants me to ritually slaughter a goat for dinner tonight. The girl keeps kosher.
Oh, and you might want to look in on your cousin Lazarus. I saw him last week. He’s walking around like one of the living dead.
I’m coming, Dear! Jeez! Jebusites! Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.
OK, that’s it. I will now go hide out until the “All Clear” announcement.