Everybody Shut Up!
THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN THE WHOLE KIT AND KABOODLE of the family went out for dinner the operative word became CACOPHONY.
Everybody was talking at once. I don’t know how any actual communication took place. It was like a convention of seagulls all squawking at once.
Squawk! Squawk! Double Squawk!!
I wasn’t talking because I didn’t know what was being said and almost anything I would add could be considered either insulting or just plain stupid and I was grossly outnumbered.
When it gets like that I’m not sure what I am hearing is all that accurate. How can I add anything when I don’t know what is being said? I can’t follow the conversation – any of it. Every so often I’ll hear a recognizable word of phrase, but by the time I can put together a cogent thought they have flown away and left me sitting alone on the dock wondering what just happened.
Even if they’d slow down it would still be problematic. When you get 735 people all talking at once – I get lost. I know that what I am hearing is getting seriously garbled. At least I hope it is and that my hearing isn’t going bad on me or my brain is short circuiting. What I’m hearing makes no sense or someone down the table has started speaking in tongues.
For Example:
Cousin Somebody or Other was yakking away about some other family member in town. Personally I’ve never heard of the “Ring” family, but they’ve never heard of me so it sort of evens out.
The “Ring” family – don’t know ‘em, never met ‘em, but I was hearing all about ‘em. It was an amazing recitative about all of them from “Granny So and So” all the way down to the newest “Baby Whatever.” Then old Cousin Somebody or Other started spouting off about “Jed’s three kids” – two girls and a boy.
At that point the decibel level in the room passed that of all of Southwest Airlines. With that the Garble Factor twisted my ears. I turned to my wife.
“Did he just say that the oldest Ring daughter is named ‘Wedding’?”
“Yes, and the second girl is called ‘Engagement’ – at least that’s what it sounded like.”
Cousin’s voice dropped a tone or two when he launched his opinion of the youngest, the boy. I swear I
heard him correctly when he said that the young Ring family son was name “Bathtub.”
Maybe I misheard him. I hope so. I sincerely do. Didn’t the Hatfield/McCoy feud start over something like this? Or was that about a stolen hog? The differences are minor – especially considering the severe overbite on the Ring Sisters.
I think that once we get back to Indiana I’m going to have my hearing checked just to be sure. If my hearing turns out to be OK then I’m going to start searching for a Texan to English Dictionary.
Down the Hall on Your Left 
So funny, John!
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