Down the Hall on Your Left

This site is a blog about what has been coasting through my consciousness lately. The things I post will be reflections that I see of the world around me. You may not agree with me or like what I say. In either case – you’ll get over it and I can live with it if it makes you unhappy. Please feel free to leave comments if you wish . All postings are: copyright 2014 – 2021

Putting On The Ritz Or Something Like That

I’M NOT SAYING THAT I AM A BUSYBODY, well, not full time anyway. Let’s just say that I have prehensile ears that can pick up snatches of conversations all by themselves without any effort on my part. I think that skill is a remnant of some prehistoric survival thingy where I could be hunting that big Mastodon, but my ears pick up the purring of a Sabertooth Tiger in the weeds. That can certainly come in handy.

These days in the middle of Indiana there are few Sabertooth Tigers around, just a few Insurance Salesmen and the odd Blogger. I think I did actually see a Mastodon by the Deli Counter at the Kroger last week. It was buying some Pastrami.

I bring up this topic not because I’m going out hunting soon or planning a move into a convenient and cable-ready cave. It is just that being around the gathered family down in Texas lately where there were 37 conversations going on at once, camouflaged by the din of meat and potatoes being scarfed down into a black hole, the air was full of disjointed phrases, metaphors, and suspicious similes.

It was in the middle of the Family Dinner in the Baptist Church Hall. I was sitting at one end of the grouping of tables having a pleasant conversation, between bites, with my brother-in-law about pulled muscles and sadistic Physical Therapists. We had just agreed that all Physical Therapists received their training while working as guards in Czechoslovakian Women’s Prisons when a pristine non-sequitur floated my way and into my ear canal.

“…What it does to a Ritz Cracker is obscene.”

In that small collection of English words I heard thought combinations, imagery, and disturbing possibilities like never before. I know that I heard it correctly even though my brother-in-law says that he heard nothing. Of course, he was working on a wedge of cheesecake at that precise moment.

“…What it does to a Ritz Cracker is obscene.”

I recognized the voice of the relative who uttered that phrase. I have been reluctant to ask him about it. I don’t want to intrude into his apparently unique and societally questionable taste in hors d’ouvres.

How could I approach someone, anyone, relative or not who can toss out a phrase like that?

A direct approach: “What are you doing with those crackers?”

A more subtle inquiry: “So, seen any good snacks lately?”

Or maybe a legalistic, yet friendly, intro: “You know, the Supreme Court could never define what is and what isn’t obscene. What do you think? Pass me a Ritz.”

I don’t want to be too blunt with him. I might learn more than I can handle. It could end up like that goofy Tom Cruise movie, “Eyes Wide Shut.” A film with Big Names, Small Coherence, and No Reason for Existence.

Now that we are back in Terre Haute (That’s French for “I refuse to sit on a Ritz”) I think that I will question him about this by e-mail. That way if I have stepped on some toes accidentally I can type in a few “LOLs” and pretend it was all a misunderstanding. That worked well when an old friend gave birth to twins and I commented, “Congrats! Finally, two children with the same father!”

“…What it does to a Ritz Cracker is obscene.”

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One thought on “Putting On The Ritz Or Something Like That

  1. When you find out, let me know. I heard it, too, but was afraid to admit it.


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