Who Knows Where Or When?
EVERY TIME I HAVE TO FILL OUT A FORM that asks which State I am in I have to fight the temptation to write in “Confusion.” That’s where I seem to be spending most of my time. Yesterday was a perfect example.
According to my calendar I had a Doctor’s appointment at 9:45 AM (Be there 15 minutes early, bring your insurance card and co-pay.) My calendar also said that I was scheduled for a Colonoscopy today at 10:00 AM…and also at 9:15 AM. I seriously doubt that I would or should be getting two Colonoscopies that close together. I think that might cause some terrible butt cheekal distress.
I knew that I was supposed to be having a colonoscopy, but I had already rescheduled it two or three times because of genuine life priorities.
Serious confusion had settled in – and I wanted it all straightened out BEFORE I began the “Pre-Game Warmup” if you catch my drift.
Pleasantly surprising I got in to see my Doctor (AKA my Primary Care Physician) right on time. After the usual Q+A, I was given a Flu shot. He also recommended the Shingles vaccine, but they were out. So, instead, he just had some blood taken from my other arm. I now had holes in both arms.
I told him of my colonoscopy Confusion. Checking on their computer he joined me in my confused state. He said,
“You better go over there and check with them in person.”
Good advice from my Doctor.
While I had him there I asked him if, on the day prior to having the “Upyourbuttascope” inserted, it was permissible for me to have Jell-O. Just about everything else is verboten. The Doctor said that I could have Jell-O – “Except the red or blue Jell-O – you know – the good ones.” I guess there really is always room for Jell-O – even in this Post-Cosby Era.
Along with my bi-limbal punctures I toddled over to another of the Med Center’s buildings to see if I could find out for sure when I had to “Drop Trou.”
I showed my paperwork to the efficient looking woman at the reception counter. She wrinkled her brow, checked her computer and said,
“Have a seat. I’ll be right back.’
Ten minutes later…
“Krafty, our Scheduler will be coming out to see you. This is all fouled up.” I nodded.
“That’s why I’m here. I haven’t had breakfast and lunch isn’t looking too secure…and I don’t have any Jell-O at home.”
Ten minutes later…
“The Scheduler” – a name befitting someone from the World Wrestling Federation, comes out and, with her wrinkled brow, sits down next to me.
“First of all, Krafty, have you started the ‘Pre-flight Checklist’ for the Colonoscopy?” She looked
concerned. I replied,
“If I had started it I would not be sitting here so calmly.’
“Good point. OK, I have a solution to this confusing mix-up.”
“Great.” I said. My stomach growled.
“How does January the 8th at 11 AM sound?”
“So…we’re going back to Square One on this thing?” She nodded with a serious look on her face.
“I think that’s best. Do you still have the laxative solution at home?”
“You mean the Human Equivalent of ‘Fire in the Hole? Yes, I haven’t tinkered with it. January the 8th you say? OK, I’ll see you then.”
“
Not so fast, Krafty. By the time January the 8th rolls around your mandatory EKG will have expired. You need to get a new one.”
I must have looked even more confused than usual.
“One flight up, Krafty. I’ll tell them you’re coming.”
Before I could say anything else she was gone.
As I headed back to the Toyota in the parking lot I took a quick inventory. I had a hole in my left arm from the Flu shot. I had a hole in my right arm from the Blood draw, and I now had a collection of clearings in my chest hair from where the Technician had ripped off the EKG adhesive contacts.
I’ve had better mornings.
I stopped on the way home at the Kroger Supermarket and bought some Jell-O – the Red and Blue ones – you know, the Good Ones.
Down the Hall on Your Left 