I Can Do This By Myself

I HAVE A BEARD. I have had a beard for most of my adult life. I grew it first for a show while I was in college and, except for short periods, I have kept it.

Over the years I have had it longer, then shorter, then just a goatee, then full tilt boogie again. When I first grew it my beard was dark, now it is white. It gives me that “I have to go feed the reindeer look.”

I don’t like it when my beard gets too bushy. When it gets like that I find trimming it is more like topiary than grooming. I’m tempted to sculpt it into something decorative, but I get enough stares from strangers as it is.

Artistic topiary might be out, but, just like any other shrub, my beard requires maintenance. Otherwise my face begins to resemble the undergrowth alongside the road. 

That is why I’m going shopping today. As an old friend once said, “To do the job right you need the proper tools.”

I already have a genuine beard trimmer, but it has been in distinguished service for about 15 years and needs to be replaced. Looking at my beard today I am tempted to look for a new trimmer in the Home and Garden section at Lowe’s – something industrial with fur of its own.

Shopping for a beard trimmer is a “Guy Thing.” For 99.95% of all other things my wife could easily and competently shop for me. Not with this beard trimmer business. There is a so-called “beard trimmer” as part of my shaver. Calling it that is over-ambitious. It is good for setting the end of the Beard and the resumption of Face. It is like the lawn edger. You wouldn’t try to use it to mow your entire yard. That is why I need a separate tool.

Experience has taught me that I can spend a little money on these things or I can spend a lot of money on them. It doesn’t really matter. They are all the same. They have all been made by the same people in the same slave labor factories somewhere in North Korea or someplace close by. There may be a different name stenciled on the trimmer, but that means nothing. Therefore – I’m going to Wally World to get my new gizmo. 

I will go up and down the aisles in the area near the vitamins and cough medicine until I find the “Men’s Grooming” section. Then it is like trying to decide which new toy I want. I have criteria. It must not pretend to be “Six Appliances in One!” If it is I know that it will not do any of them very well. I want it to say, “I am a beard trimmer and nothing else.” I know that they are all made of cheap plastic so I want it to look like it would fit in my hand comfortably and not slip out of my grip, hit the floor, break into pieces and necessitate another trip to Wally World. And, finally – It must be rechargeable, not battery powered – just like me.

Am I asking too much?

I will keep my beard and I will try to keep it neatly trimmed. I try to attack it about every two weeks, but that sometimes gets pushed out to three, four, or seventeen. When that happens I begin to look like a chubby Robinson Crusoe. Yet another reason I need to get my carcass out the door.

I’ll grab a snack while I’m out.

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