I Am The Law!
The notice came in the mail a few days ago. It looks like I am going to be under the judicial thumb for the month of September. I’m cool with that as long as it doesn’t conflict with my scheduled Colonoscopy.
There was a two page questionnaire I had to fill out and mail back. I guess it was designed to determine if I might be a good juror or was I some sort of freakin’ lunatic. I’ll find how I did once I get to the courthouse.
I have never been on a jury. I have been called four or five times, but I guess there is something about me that makes Rusty The Bailiff always show me the way out of the building.
It’s not like I’m standing up in the courtroom screaming, “Hang ‘em! Hang ‘em all!” and the Judge is screaming back at me, “Sit down, Mr. Kraft! This is Traffic Court.”
There must be a glint in my eye or something in my non-stop mumbling that gives them pause. They ask me a question, I answer it and everybody wearing a suit stands up and points to the door.
Some people are just so touchy.
Serving on a jury might be an interesting experience – a peek inside the Justice System and, who knows, I might run into some old friends and co-conspirators. It wouldn’t surprise me one bit. I’ve known some pretty shady characters in my time.
If I do get selected for a jury I already know what comes next. I’ve seen all of those movies and TV shows about juries. I’d just have to decide what role I want to play during the deliberation.
Should I be the snarling older guy who is angry all the time and wants to vote “Guilty” no matter what. Picture that old actor Lee J. Cobb. Or perhaps I should be the indecisive wishy-washy guy who is afraid of making a mistake.
I don’t think that I’d be the well-to-do Society Matron who doesn’t understand anything, but thinks the Defendant must be guilty or he wouldn’t be in court. I think that I’d really like to be the “Henry Fonda” juror who uses reason, oratory, and good writers to sway the other jurors. Regardless, I’m going to insist that we be supplied with those little paper funeral home fans so we can keep cool in that small southern town heat – even though we will be in Indiana, in September, in an air conditioned building. The ambiance is so important for a good jury experience.
Right now I’m sitting here waiting for another letter telling me where and when to report for duty. I’ll take a book along with me because these things can take a while to sort out – and for those slow moments during a trial. Every other time I’ve been called for jury duty it turned out to be a day or two that I could never get back with nothing dramatic to show for it.
If I do make it onto a jury this time I hope that it is an interesting case – not just some yutz who got caught sticking up a gas station mini-mart. Give me something I can sink my interpretive teeth into. Something like an International Cupcake Cartel Kingpin who has been spreading fake sprinkles around the world in contravention of the Laws of 150 countries and three cable networks…No, wait. That was something I saw once on Nick At Night. Never mind.
I wonder if I should dress up nice in a suit and wide necktie? Give them my full blown Matlock look.