“The Thrill of Victory! The Agony of Defeat! The Problem of Where I Set My Beer!”
The other night after a hearty workout of watching my SF Giants on TV I was just exhausted. It was quite a workout and my cardio goals had been achieved – I still had a cardio.
It was getting late as I crawled up the stairs and stumbled into bed. I flipped on the TV and, still feeling the Muse of Sports calling my name, I did my digital exercises and tuned the tube to ESPN.
I don’t think I’ll ever be the same.
My timing was off by just a nanosecond or I would have been able to catch the broadcast of a major Pickle Ball tournament.
Pickle Ball = Tennis for the Pacemaker Set.
One of the regulars every morning at St. Arbucks is into Pickle Ball. He is 80 years old and a National Champion. I kid you not.
Unfortunately I tuned in late and all I could see was the Winner being congratulated and then loaded into an ambulance. I think it was “The Methuselah Open Invitational Tournament. To be eligible you had to have Great-Grand Children and a note from your doctor.
My utter disappointment at missing the “Dust Unto Dust” Pickle Ball Championship was relieved by what came on the TV next.
The Pickle Ball extravaganza was just the warm-up for (Fanfare!) “Professional Corn Hole!”
Things must be tough over at ESPN.
Professional Corn Hole.
I was unaware that even Non-Professional Corn Hole existed outside of a few serious drinker’s bars.
I was tuned into what I think was “The National Cirrhosis of the Liver Semi-Finals Competition.” I could almost smell the stale beer and Parking Lot vomit. The competitors were all men in their 40s and 50s with facial hair and beer bellies.
The rules were not all that intricate: Pick up the little bag. Put down your beer. Toss the little bag in the direction of the Hole. Pick up your beer. That was it. Over and Over and Over again. Even I could follow the action. It made Curling look complicated.
I could tell that “The Tossers” were Professionals because they were all wearing shirts stretched over their guts that had endorsement advertising just like Formula One Race Car Drivers, but instead of STP the Corn Hole ads seemed to be from The Mayo Clinic and the Cancer Treatment Centers. I think I saw one fellow wearing an “I Kidney Dialysis” T-shirt.
Being aired on ESPN the entire event was treated with all of the solemnity and ardor of the Super Bowl or the Election of a new Pope. There were even ESPN announcers doing Play-by-Play and exciting “Color Commentary.”
This kind of event could be the perfect gig for Joe Buck.
“The bag is in the air! And…and… it missed the Corn Hole!”
The Color Commentator’s job was to talk about the strategy of the game.
The Strategy of Corn Hole: Throw the little bag through the little hole.
That’s it. One line. No one is ever going to do their Master’s Thesis on Corn Hole Strategy.
I watched this for thirty minutes, instant replay and all. When the final bag had been tossed and the final hole had been Corned I watched the Champion get emotional as he held up a large trophy. I wonder if the Olympics people were watching all of this?
I can hardly wait for next week. Maybe they’ll have Professional Thumb Wrestling.
No wonder my Blood Pressure has been elevated of late.