Listen To The Coffee
SOME DAYS I WONDER ABOUT OUR SPECIES. Not that we are inherently stupid – No, but rather I worry that we are too smart for our own good.
This afternoon I stumbled into St. Arbucks. I had finished running errands and I was looking for a cool drink and maybe a cookie. It was quite crowded when I went in so I was forced to actually share a table with another person. I hate that.
I managed to squeeze my svelte self into a seat at a table that was covered with new store merchandise waiting to be shelved and offered to the Hyper-Caffeinated customer base.
One item caught my attention: A Combination Coffee Tumbler/Wireless Bluetooth Audio Speaker.
My first question was, “Have my cataracts returned somehow?” Being reassured that such a thing is not possible a second question formed in my head. “What the heck is a Combination Coffee Tumbler/Wireless Bluetooth Audio Speaker? And Why?”
I guess that was two questions. Sorry.
Someone deep within the bowels of St. Arbucks Seattle Fortress of Solitude decided that the world needed such an item.
“This world needs a Combination Coffee Tumbler/Wireless Audio Speaker!”
“But, what about a cure for Cancer, Boss?”
“First things first, Elton. Go fetch me one of those new Pork Loin Frappuccinos they are testing in the Lab.”
That’s how that world operates.
I offer a couple pictures of the new Combination Coffee Tumbler/Wireless Bluetooth Audio Speaker just so you don’t think that I’m making this up.
When I asked the Store Manager about the new merchandise he told me that it came in “two – count ‘em, two” colors, a kinda, sorta Teal, and for the more demure – Black. He also pointed out that the Wireless Bluetooth Audio Speaker was “Removable.”
“So is my Appendix, Eric. Curb your enthusiasm.”
If you are, for some reason known but to God and the St. Arbucks R&D Department, interested in owning one of these new…things, they are selling for only $40.00, plus tax. My guess is that by Labor Day they will be a free “give-away” with the purchase of a Cake-Pop. So, if you can hold your horses for a short time you can make a good deal on these things.
One of the Baristas told me that, in a rush to get this gizmo on the shelf, they had to postpone another potential hot item – a “BBQ Rib Sandwich.” They had already worked out a Tie-in with the Texas Roadhouse Restaurant Chain. I think to make that more realistic; once you order your sandwich you have to wait 45 minutes to get it (Editorial Comment).
The new Combination Coffee Tumbler/Wireless Bluetooth Audio Speaker has got to be one of the lamest inventions since Lawn Darts and any Kardashian. Who is so desperate that while they are sipping their coffee they must have musical accompaniment? Do they need the world to witness them pouring coffee into their mouth while hearing the Rapper Xzibit belting out his big hit, “Choke me, Spank me, Pull my hair?”
Some things are better done in peaceful silence and in the privacy of one’s own car.