This Can’t Go On
IT IS MONDAY MORNING. I don’t care what the calendar says or on what day of the week you are reading this. It is a Monday morning in my world.
For some reason I feel like I have been dragged behind a bus for the last two days and I don’t know why. I don’t have a cold although it is 28 degrees outside and snowing. I haven’t overexerted myself that’s for sure. I studiously avoid doing that. And I’ve been getting my beauty sleep – two hours in the Rip van Winkle Memorial Chair in front of the TV and about six hours in an actual bed.
There is an old quotation, I think it is from a Sherlock Holmes novel that goes, “When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.” That is how I am approaching my feeling on this Monday morning of mine. I have eliminated all possibilities so I am left with a lone but improbable answer: I am possessed by demons from another evil dimension or maybe Los Angeles which is pretty much the same thing only with better Mexican food.
I can’t think of anything else to explain how I am feeling – my malaise. It is sort of a combination of how you might feel if you had eaten a bad clam a couple of days ago, then got a letter from the IRS telling you that you’re being audited, and then had your TV go haywire so you could only watch the Hallmark Channel. Get the picture?
Since that combination of events has not happened I arrived at the demons from another dimension theory. It makes as much sense as anything else and more than most.
My goal now, having determined the cause of my funk, is to implement a remedy to return me to my normal, cheerful, slightly counter-clockwise, and kind to animals self. I shook my fist at a puppy a while ago so this has to stop,
I know of several things that always have a positive impact on my global mood and sense of co-humanity. I just need to take action.
Plopping myself into a Hot Tub for a few hours has always made me turn into a soft pile of sweetness and light – but I have no Hot Tub available and a run through the “Touchless” Car Wash down the street just won’t do the trick.
(FYI – If you ever do decide to try skinny dipping through a car wash do not – I repeat DO NOT get the optional spray wax. You’ll be pacing the floor at night for a week waiting for your “Old Faithful” to get back on schedule.)
I think what I really need is some consistent sunshine and warmer temperatures. I was not meant to live as a creature of the Arctic Tundra. I want the snow to stop and the temperatures to rise high enough to thaw out my joints. I long to be able to sit outside, feel the rays of the Sun warming my skull while I sip a cool drink, as I read a good book. Is that too much?
Until that time I fear that I will be a surly old geezer who snaps at people and feels that poor drivers deserve capital punishment.
My Hawaiian Shirts are ready to go and my sunglasses are clean. I am fully prepared to be a civilized bipedal human being once again.
Let us pray.