I Am In Control, But Bus Your Own Table
I CHECKED MY E-MAIL THIS MORNING like I do every day and after deleting 95% of the messages that are trying to sell me something, scare me about something, or to get me to help out some Nigerian Princess, I actually find one or two that are worth reading.
This morning I learned that today is officially “National I am in Control Day.” Well, I’m glad that somebody is – I just didn’t know that it was me.
I don’t mind being in control, but it has been a while since the last time that I was actually aware of it. I think that it was sometime in 1979. And now today I am in control once again. I do wish that I’d had some advanced notice. I would have dressed better. I think I would have shaved too. Oh, well, if I really am in control for today who is going to dare to criticize me?
Don’t answer that.
It is 6:43 AM and I am in control. I have my coffee. I have my meds. I have no idea what to do next, but since I am in control there are going to be a few changes around here. By Golly!
The first thing I think that I’ll change is…I’ll take my meds from Right to Left instead of Left to Right. That’ll show the world that I am, indeed, in control. Since I’m sitting here all by myself I’ll have to tell people about it later. They’ll be impressed I’m sure.
Along with being in control comes great responsibility. I will not demonstrate my control by being oppressive or nasty. I will be benevolent. I will be nodding in mock understanding as people tell me their troubles. I am in control, but that doesn’t mean that I know what to do about anything beyond which socks I should wear on which foot. People can be so demanding.
Perhaps I should keep the news that I am in control to myself. If everybody knows they are going to demand that I do things for them, make decisions for them. I don’t think I like that, but I guess it comes with the territory.
OK! Everybody listen up! I’m making a decision for all of you because; after all I am officially in control today.
OK, here goes.
“My people! Because I am in control I hereby declare and declaim that today all of you will have a Grilled Cheese Sandwich for lunch!”
There! Go for it.
“And have a few chips with that sandwich! If you want some tomato soup too – feel free, but don’t get your crumbs from the saltine crackers all over the floor. I have spoken! Have a nice lunch!”
Whew! I found that exhausting. Being in control should probably necessitate carbo-loading for a day or two leading up to it. A lot of energy gets expended being in control.
It has been a long time since I was in control like this. In 1979 I was a single guy who would have ice cream for breakfast and think nothing of it. If I did that today I would quickly learn that my lower intestines were really in control.
Today I am in control and I think that the best way for me to get through it all would be for me to stay home, turn off all the lights, and just stay in bed.
Maybe I’ll fix myself a Grilled Cheese Sandwich.