“Snap Out Of It!”
THE RAIN IS GETTING TO ME. Everything, including me is wet. It is like living in a never ending Rinse Cycle. I am not looking forward to when the Spin Cycle kicks in. I’ll have to tape my glasses to my head.
The temperatures have risen. We are at about 50° now. Instead of being solid ice we are all feeling like pork chops that have been sitting out for a few days. I may be wrong, but I think I may have freezer burn on my backside. Personally, I still think it is too cold. I feel chilled to the bone. I’m hugging a space heater and I have two of those little heater things in my pants that hunters carry to stay warm…and I’m still cold. It may take July to get me thawed out. Either that or a bout of Spontaneous Human Combustion. A month on a Caribbean beach would be good too.
I would have made a terrible Eskimo.
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to whine, but right now it is either whine or arson. Arson is a felony while whining is just annoying – to everyone including me. I’m tempted to slap myself upside my own head and yell, “Snap out of it!” I would do that only in the privacy of my own home. If I did that out in public I’m afraid that too many people would think I was doing a bad Cher impression. “Snap out of it!”
I have enough trouble maintaining an acceptable public image.
I do this every Winter. For me Winter begins on the day the high temperature dips below 70°. There are millions of people who whine and complain about the hat in Summer. I am not one of them. I have been to Phoenix in the Summer when it was 115°. I smiled and got a refill on my iced tea. Sure it was hot. It was too hot even for me, but I didn’t whine or complain. I just smiled sweetly and yelled, “Bring it on!”
I know that Winter is over now, officially even, No more snow will fall I predict. Right now I am stuck with this seemingly never ending icy rain.
After putting in some additional research I have realized something: I am a seasonal creature. I am like bears that hibernate, geese that migrate, and car dealers that mark down last year’s cars. When I sense that the seasons are changing I begin to whine and try to avoid human contact.
I bought one of those lamps that is supposed to mimic real sunlight. It did – and it gave me one heck of a sunburn and one more thing to whine about. I have found that my best remedies are a trip to warmer climes (Vegas) or a sudden influx of cash. I don’t know why those things work, but they do. Combine the two and I become like the most cheerful I can imagine – the bus driver who delivers convicts to San Quentin Prison. He knows that he turn around and leave.
For me right now, lacking my two favorite remedies, my terribly poor options are, like I said, whining and Arson. Arson is a felony while whining is just annoying to everyone – me included. I think I’ll take myself out for a cup of coffee and apologize to myself. I’ll get around to everyone else when I feel up to it.
Down the Hall on Your Left 