You Want Me To Stick That Where ?

I BEG YOUR PARDON. DID I HEAR THAT RIGHT?

Ear Candling? Yes, I did hear you correctly. You were asking me about Ear Candling. Someone I know was asking whether or not they should try Ear Candling.

For those of you who are already completely lost, let me explain.

Ear Candling AKA Ear Coning or, when money is involved “Thermal-Auricular Therapy” is an old folk remedy used to purportedly clean wax out of one’s ears. It is also classified as an “Alternative Medicine” practice when one person is selling the candles to someone else.

The process of Ear Candling, claimants say, not only clears that nasty earwax from the ear, but also improves one’s general overall health and outlook on life. So does a good meal and a couple of beers, but leaves the earwax behind.

Ear Candling involves inserting hollow candles into your ear and then flicking your Bic and lighting them. The theory is that the heat from the flame and “the suction” (Suction – as in Sucker) removes unwanted and yucky earwax. Now… unless a lifetime of observation and eight years in a Catholic grade school with daily Mass is wrong, when you light a candle the wax melts and runs down the candle. In this case that would have wax running down and into the

ear and not away from it. East is East. West is West and Down is not Up.

I and the FDA both kind of cluck our tongues at the whole idea of Ear candling.

However.

Proponents of this process point to the brown stuff found inside the hollow candles after the fire is extinguished and say, “Aha! There you are – Earwax!” Unfortunately, simple analysis of said residue shows, time after time, that it is wax from the candle and soot. In short: Zip, Nada, and a large helping of Squat.

Personally, I have a secondary concern about the whole thing. I doubt that anyone is keeping records on this, but I wonder how many “Waxees” as opposed to the “Waxers” have set themselves or their homes on fire doing this rigamarole? I’d like to know.

All I know is that if someone tries to stick a lit candle in my ear they are going to have a fight on their hands. And… If I can get the upper hand on them I will stick that candle into someplace other than their ear and we’ll see what comes out.

During my seven minutes of extensive research into this I discovered that there is an outfit that is selling some special candles to people as “Hopi Ear Candles.”

Right.

The Hopi Tribal Council and their lawyers are insisting that the company cease and desist using

the Hopi name in their marketing because the Hopis have no such “therapy” as Ear Candling anywhere in their culture. Some other retailers have moved to claiming that the whole earwax thing has its origins in ancient Atlantis. That is a better choice because there is much less of a chance of having one’s butt sued by members of the Atlantis Bar Association.

All my life I have been told that the only thing I should ever put in my ear is my elbow. I’m even leery of the whole “Q-Tip” thing that some people do. While I’m not a Rah-Rah fan of doctors I would think that if, for some reason, you think that earwax is impinging on your health and happiness, you might want to go see an “Otolaryngologist” – you know, an Ear, Nose, and Throat specialist. If that fails I suggest that you go see a Psychiatrist because, perhaps, that is where the real problem lies.

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