Doctor, I Have Question

 

IT SEEMS THAT EVERY OTHER COMMERCIAL I SEE ON TV is for some new medicine with a name composed entirely of letters that have high point value in Scrabble. “Try new Xyzzzqwizl!” (773 points).

At the end of these ads they always stick in a disclaimer, “Ask your physician before starting any new medications.” Aren’t these new meds all by prescription only? I would assume that you cannot get these drugs by hanging out in the Seven-Eleven parking lot after midnight and befriending some guy named “Lucky.” Your doctor should have to write a prescription for a real pharmacy to fill. I’m not going to start popping some “Xyzzzqwizl!” with my Dr. Pepper and feel I’ve done my part.

I firmly believe that one should ask questions when seeing a doctor. It only makes sense. I have had some questionable doctors and I have learned not to be shy about it. If I’m standing there buck naked and the doctor tells me to turn my head and cough I feel that I have earned the right to ask a few questions of my own. Questions beyond, “Why are your hands so cold?”

Because I am always looking upon this blog as a Public Service, as well as a way to keep me occupied and away from the peanut butter jar, I have spent a considerable number of minutes putting together a list of questions that we should all be sure to ask our doctors.

1) “Since my appointment was at 10:00 AM and it is now 2:30 PM where have you been and did you tip the bartender?”

2)  “Did you actually graduate from a real medical school? I did ask that of a doctor one time and given his behavior and attitude I felt justified. No, I didn’t go back for another appointment.

3)  “Forgive me if I get ‘excited’ while you are examining me…and forgive me if I don’t get ‘excited’.” I said that to a woman doctor I had giving me a thorough examination. She was my main doctor for about ten years.

4)  “Why do I need to see you every three months? My other doctor saw me only every six months” He replied, “I have two kids in college and a boat.”

5)  “How long will I live?” That question usually gets a blank stare and a shrug in response. That and a giggle from the nurse.

6)  “What about this new drug called ‘Xyzzzqwizl!’?” I learned that unless I was pregnant or planning on getting pregnant it was not for me, but Charlie Sheen was diggin’ it.

7)  “Why do doctors think they are God?” He answered by telling me, “There is only one true God, My Son.”

8)  “Do you accept Bitcoins for payment?”

I hope that today’s blog has been helpful. Or at least a warning. I have had to deal with too many doctors in my life. Some of them were great. Some were barely adequate, and too many should have come with a Warning Label tattooed on their foreheads: “This Idiot can be dangerous to your health. Avoid at all costs.”

I have to wrap this up now. I have a doctor’s appointment in an hour and I still have to pick up a live chicken, a scented candle and a bottle of rum.

Doctor’s orders!

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