“Hi! This is Elizabeth from the Resort Rewards Center!”

SOME PROBLEMS SEEM TO BE IMPOSSIBLE TO SOLVE. I’m not talking about some mathematical Gordian Knots and things like Time Travel or Pauley Shore’s career. No, I mean those everyday things that tend to drive us all slightly bonkers. There are problems and if we use our collective imagination we can find solutions.

Problem #1: Those pesky phone calls from “Hi! This is Elizabeth from the Resort Rewards Center!”

That’s usually as far as I let it go before hanging up. It doesn’t stop her or one of her fellow cold-callers from dialing us again…and again…and again. The much touted “No-Call List” has vanished from reality. I hang up, she calls again the next day. She doesn’t catch on that I am not interested. Something must be done.

We must get twenty calls a week, but a solution, albeit unconventional, does exist that I think should do the trick.

Solution: Sublet the apprehension and discouragement of “No-Call” violators to The Mob.

A little, “I’ll make her an offer she couldn’t refuse” and Elizabeth will start selling Tupperware door to door.

Sometimes all it takes is a little Friendly Persuasion to solve the most difficult of problems.

I know what you’re thinking. Isn’t that a bit extreme? Nah.

Problem #2: Finding someone habitually parking in front of your house partially blocking your driveway. There is always some doofus who has never mastered the precision skill of parking a 17 foot long car in a 45 ft. long open curb parking space in front of the house. Not without sticking out into the driveway making it difficult to get in or out. Not wanting to damage either car I thought that there must be a solution. There is.

Solution: First of all – no explosives are involved, unless you really want to make a lasting impression, but that is for another day.

I have found that a little blue paint or red paint added to the curb can change things rather quickly. What do you think the inept parker would think if they came to their car and found either a very expensive parking citation on the car – OR – an empty space.

If you use the blue paint to create a “Handicapped Parking” zone (aka “Gimp Spot”) that ticket under their windshield wiper will be verrry expensive. If your artistic talents lead you to using red paint the odds are that one phone call will get the doofus’ car towed.

OK, the only catch in this is that you don’t have the legal authority to create these parking restrictions on your own. BUT – a few well placed phone calls to the City might get them for you free of charge. Just be polite and have a good sob story.

Failing these steps showing you any success you might then want to reconsider the explosives option – just hire a professional or that nephew that no one in the family ever invites over for Christmas Dinner.

Problem #3: Getting in the checkout line at the supermarket behind the slowest and most confused person on earth. You know the kind. They have fifty pounds of coupons, half of which are expired, and three cans of something which they argue about trying to get the ten can discount price. Once done they want to pay for everything with an Out-of-State, Third Party, Counter Check – payable in Pesos.

Solution: Despite the temptation to commit any number of felonies I advise against that. The supermarket will threaten to cancel your Affinity Card if you make a scene that gets the Police involved, or the Poison Control Center.

My quick and easy solution that leaves no tangible evidence is to simply and falsely point out to the

Shopper From Hell that there is very large and hairy spider on her shoulder. Then back up because things are going get…busy.

I’ve never seen it fail. True, some cans might get dented, and that Rotisserie Chicken might take flight one last time, but the Out-of-State check business gets quickly forgotten in the chaos. You might have a Bag Boy get trampled a bit, but “c’est la vie” or “There’s more where he came from.”

It’s not a perfect world and the answers to our problems are not always perfect either. They might be effective, just not perfect.

A lot like me.

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