Here We Go Again

I SUPPOSE THERE IS NO WAY OF AVOIDING IT. We are closing in on the New Year and along with that fact comes the inevitable question: Have you made any New Year’s Resolutions?” How I answer that depends upon who is doing the asking.

If I hear that question coming from someone on the TV I immediately ignore it and have a cookie. If I hear it from one of my doctors I put down the cookie. Casual acquaintances always ask and when they do I give them the Big Three Universal Answers: Lose Weight, Lose Weight, and Lose Weight.

I do that and they quit asking.

Being a simple and uncomplicated Human Being I know that there is always room for improvement. Without a doubt there are parts of my life which could benefit from some positive adjustment.

I know that I need to get over that, yet again, I was not named Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year.” Every year I get my hopes up and every year I am snubbed and passed over in favor of – Oh, I don’t want to talk about it!

When I sit down and do some deep soul-searching personal analysis I face the fact that I really should get in line and make a few real New Year’s Resolutions.

Resolution #1 – I hereby do resolve that in 2018 I will be a better listener. I tend to be a “selective listener,” shutting out what people are telling me if I am thinking about something else. I bet that I miss a lot by not taking my fingers out of my ears. I’ll try to do better in the coming year.

Resolution #2 – I will try to dress better in 2018. It is a sad fact that on most days it would be a challenge to tell the difference between me and the laundry hamper.

In warm weather it is a Hawaiian Shirt and jeans while in cold weather I swap out the Day-Glo Hawaiians for Sweatshirts with a message…and jeans. Today’s sweatshirt says in big bold letters, “You’re wrong. I’m right. Let’s move on.”

No matter what the weather my feet are inside a nice sturdy pair of boots. They are comfortable

and keep my ankles from rolling over like the apocryphal Farmer’s Daughter.

The only way I can improve my “Look” is to dig out the old shirts and slacks that I wore when I was still working. I know that they are somewhere in the back of the bedroom closet, behind the neckties and that suit I haven’t worn since 2003. It’s either go on a safari into that closet or go shopping and I have already expounded upon my questionable skills in that area.

Resolution #3 – Actually lose some weight!

I do have some evidence that I have been on one diet or another since about twenty minutes after conception (Details for another day).

Like most other Marathon Dieters my weight has gone up and down more often than the elevators at The Empire State Building. Currently it is going down, leaving the Observation Deck and heading toward the Lobby. The reason it is going down now is that it spent most of 2017 going up. I have been making a conscious effort to do something about it before one or all of my doctors bring it up. I don’t need to be nagged by an Ophthalmologist.

So, in 2018 I hereby resolve to cut back on the Comfort Food which, by definition, leaves me with an approaching year of “Discomfort Food.” It will be twelve months of “Goodbye ‘Death By Chocolate’ ice cream and “Hello to ‘Steamed Kale and Cauliflower Nuggets.’”

Shoot me now.

Next December you might not even recognize me. I will be sylphlike in a Post Apocalyptic Neo-Macho sort of way, dressed like I just stepped off the pages of “GQ For Geezers”, and I’ll pay attention when you speak. I might be muttering under my breath, but I’ll be listening too.

While it might be hard for you to recognize me, I will help you along. I’ll still be wearing my San Francisco Giants baseball cap.

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