I May Just Skip Lunch
THERE ARE DAYS WHEN I WONDER why I get on to the internet at all. I am eternally hopeful that I will find something interesting and/or enlightening. I know that out there in the cyberworld there is something that will make me want to jump for joy and break into my happy dance. I want to be educated, inspired, entertained and feel that I am connecting with the finest fibers of the universe singing of the wisdom of humanity – and then, before I have even had my first sip of coffee, I run into this.
I know that people have varying tastes and levels of what will trigger their gag reflex. I also 
know that there are some things about that picture which I would rather not know at 6:45 AM. But now, because of this image I may not be able to have breakfast today – or possibly lunch as well.
There are critters like, what used to be like that one before the Ma Kettle version of Julia Child got ahold of it, roaming around our neighborhood. I see them taking their time walking down the driveway fearless and unafraid. I hope they never see the picture of one of their kinfolk being treated like a poor imitation of a Butterball. This whole thing might just curdle my Thanksgiving.
After I punched myself in the eye to take my mind off of that picture and refocus on something more pleasant, like intense pain, so that I might save my day and move forward without popping Pepto-Bismol tablets like they were M&Ms, I decided to check out some News sites for something to read.
Perhaps I would find an account of someone doing something heroic or noble beyond all expectations. Maybe a story about children, all bubbly and cute as a bug, playing with kittens or doing some quaint folk dances to celebrate the coming holiday season. That was what I was looking for. Amuse me. Make me smile and feel all warm and cuddly.
So much for that idea.
I scanned the top stories of the morning as they were presented to me and this is what greeted my still stinging, cataract laden, differing in size, eyeballs.
Man Feels Constipated For 22 Years Until Doctors Remove 30 Pounds Of Poop From His Body
“We’ve all experienced a little trouble going to the bathroom sometimes, and it’s pretty much never pleasant. Just being constipated for a day or two is frustrating enough, but imagine feeling constipation for 22 years! That may sound like something…
“
by Gwendolyn Plummer OK. News is news I suppose, but there are some things I really, and I mean REALLY, don’t need to know. This is right up there near the top of that list. And I find that the byline on this is someone named “Gwendolyn Plummer.” I hope that is merely a coincidence. I’d hate to think that Ms “Plummer” has this portion of the world as her beat.I’m not going to include the entire story for you here. I don’t want to and, trust me; you wouldn’t want me to either once you saw the pictures that are considered “Photo-journalism” in some lopsided circles.
Well, there you have it. That is how my day began. I don’t think I was asking for too much at the onset. I’m just concerned that the rest of my day and possibly my week is going to be ruled by my memory and I will be surviving on dry toast and kaopectate.
Down the Hall on Your Left 