I Must Put My Foot Down
YOU’D THINK I WOULD HAVE LEARNED MY LESSON BY NOW, but i did it to myself again this morning. I should wait until after my morning coffee before logging into Facebook. And maybe something to eat as well.
It was barely 6:30 AM when I turned on my computer and hit the Facebook icon – and there it was. Some strange person, a friend of a friend of a friend I assume, posted that one of his favorite foods was a Peanut Butter and Pickle Sandwich.
Good God, man! It was not even sunup and you’ve gone and ruined my gastrointestinal tract for the entire day.
Don’t get me wrong. I like Peanut Butter and, under certain circumstances, I like Pickles, but together? Why not try to pair up Oil and Water, Norway and Surfing, Pauly Shore and Talent?
Putting Peanut Butter on a slice of bread – fine. Personally, I prefer if my bread is toasted, or on a bagel, but that’s neither here nor there. Pickles on bread – also fine, if accompanied by something like Pastrami or even as part of a nice Tuna Salad. I’m sorry, but some thing do not belong together. Can you imagine Snoop Dog together with…with…with any land based creature? Neither can I and just thinking about it makes my tummy do a back-flip of protest.
I seriously believe that if George Washington Carver was alive today and heard about someone matching up Pickles with his invention of Peanut Butter he would feel compelled to plow under his crop of Goobers.
I can tolerate that there are people tinkering with Potato Chips – adding flavors that are truly alien. I mean, really now, “Everything Bagel and Cream Cheese Flavored Potato Chips?” I’ve tried them and they taste like neither thing. “Turkey and Stuffing Potato Chips?” I tried those as well. That resulted in, for the first time in my life, me throwing a bag of chips into the trash.
Sometimes the Lion should not lie down with the Lamb.
I’ve done some quick and dirty research in the last few minutes and I have determined that mixing Peanut Butter with Pickles could be considered a “Hypergolic Compound.” What that means is that if one mixes those two substances in the proper (or improper) proportions they might ignite and explode.
Just imagine the Peanut Butter to be Methane/Hydrazine and the Pickles to be some High Test Peroxide. Let those two things come in contact with each other and you have one heck of an explosion on your hands, or on your tongue in this case. At least that is how I interpreted that article on Wikipedia.
Even if I am wrong about this part of it I am still confident that a Peanut Butter and Pickle Sandwich would pull a Dresden on my tummy (Dresden: WWII. Look it up.) Years ago I lost my gall bladder as a result of an experiment mixing Mexican food with a side order of Korean Kimchee.
It might just look like a sandwich to you, but as an old TV Commercial once proclaimed, “It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature!”
My last words on this subject are these – Leave well enough alone. Have your Peanut butter and then, after a safe waiting period, have your Pickle, but, for Heaven’s sake, don’t tinker with the basic order of the Universe.
Play it safe. Go have a bowl of Cheerios.