Errands Must Be Run
BUSY DAY TODAY. I have a list of errands that sort of stacked up while we were down in Texas dodging hurricanes. Some things can only be put off for so long and then they will stand up on their hind legs and demand attention.
I needed to write a couple of checks (I know, I’m the only person in the Western Hemisphere who still writes checks.) and then I needed to go to the bank to deposit a couple of other checks that were in our bundle of delayed mail. High finance on a small scale.
My planning for this outing was flawed from the get-go.
Banking Lesson #1 – Don’t go to the bank between noon and 1 PM. That is when all of the other Geezers do their banking. The line moved slower than an arthritic turtle going uphill. By the time I got out of there I needed a shave.
Stop #2 was to the Post Office. I had to mail those checks that I wrote earlier didn’t I? I did not have to stand in line there. Just drive up, roll down the window, reach out, undo seat belt because I can’t reach the mailbox, reach out again and drop the envelopes into the box, roll up window and drive away. I didn’t bother with the seat belt because less than 200 ft, away was –
Stop #3 – The Dollar Store. It was my Post-Arsoned Dollar Store, a place where we could live for years in the event of a Zombie Apocalypse.
I had a list! Not many people go into the Dollar Store with a list. They go in looking for one item and exit $23 dollars later. Dollar Stores are built around the concept of Impulse Buying. I defeated that by making a carefully annotated shopping list.
Four for a dollar ballpoint pens – my favorite pens. I bought three packs. A dozen pens should hold me for a while.
Dollar Store Steak Sauce. I was desperate one time when I ran out of $4.69 A-1 Brand steak sauce and I picked up the $1.00 knock-off sauce. Honestly, I cannot tell the difference, except that I have $3.69 in my pocket that used to not be there.
Tootsie Pops! $2.99 at Kroger, $1.00 just three doors down. I know how to shop!
The last item on my list was the toughie. My wife,the lovely and Pestilentially Upset, Dawn, 
asked me to pick up two fly swatters. Two. One for each of us, I assumed.
I walked up and down each and every aisle. I didn’t really think they would be in the helium balloon and gift card aisle, but when it comes to Dollar Stores – you never know.
Housewares? No luck there. Toy aisle – Nope. That was a long shot anyway. Automotive? That was a shot in the dark. Nope. After fifteen minutes of searching I could not find any fly swatters anywhere.
I was feeling a bit put out. I knew that I had seen fly swatters in there before. Or was that in another store? At last I broke down and violated a cardinal rule of masculine shopping – I asked for help.
“Oh, we sold out our last fly swatter a week ago.”
Not willing to admit defeat and disappoint my wife and every male shopper on earth, I found a substitute. When the checkout person rang up my other purchases I said, “And I think i’ll also take a copy of today’s Tribune-Star newspaper.” Victory!
“Oh, those are yesterday’s newspapers.”
Down the Hall on Your Left 