Would Somebody Explain That To Me.
OK, I HAVE JOINED THE RANKS OF MILLIONS OF OTHER PEOPLE. I watched the season ending episode of “Game of Thrones” the other night. Now – will someone, anyone, tell me what in the heck that was all about?
Characters came and went… and came back again. Strange creatures and zombies were getting starring roles. Weddings turned into blood baths. That one I could relate to – you should have been to my Cousin Lulu’s wedding. The bride wore a Carhartt wedding gown.
Throughout the entire series whenever things got bogged down, turning into talking heads – Bring on the Dragons!
All of the He-Men wore big heavy capes (which were area rugs from IKEA) and the She-Women wore as little as possible. It reminded me of Monday Night Football, minus the instant replay.
I take that back – including the Instant Replay. It was exactly like Monday Night Football. It dragged on for years, it was slow moving except for the occasional big battle, and there were a surprising number of scantily clad blondes scampering throughout.
I learned after a season or two that I could miss a few weeks, come back, and find that everything was the same as when I left it to go out and have an actual life. In that respect “Game of Thrones” was much like “The Guiding Light.”
There were Plots, Sub-Plots, Sub-Sub-Plots, more plots than a New Jersey cemetery. Every twenty minutes I had to ask my wife, the lovely and ever comprehending, Dawn, “Now, what was that all about? Who was that? I thought he was killed two months ago.”
“He was, but he’s been magically brought back to life.”
Magically, my butt. The Producers got seven million Emails complaining about him being killed so they wrote him back in.
There was one character in “Game of Thrones” who was the only person with a name that didn’t sound like a new Arthritis drug – “Jon Snow.” My first and lasting impression of Mr. Snow was that he bore a stunning resemblance to Brandon Crawford the Shortstop for the San Francisco Giants. This character, Jon Snow, not Brandon Crawford, was the young and studly hero of this series. He battled every zombie, villain, and bizarre creature that came along. And what did he end up doing in the final episode? He closes the show by schtupping the Queen of the Dragons and flashing his butt. I hoped that he would have done better.
We had all seen this Queen, how shall I phrase it… “al fresco” in earlier episodes and, aside from her fire breathing pets, I don’t think she had all that much going for her. She was skinny to the point of Eating Disorder, a very short temper, and straggly blonde hair that looked like a failed macramé class project. If you ever got that gal angry you could end up as toast – literally.
Don’t get me wrong, there were parts of “Game of Thrones” that I thoroughly enjoyed. It was fun seeing Diana Rigg working again after a hiatus of forty years (To the best of my knowledge). I cheered when they offed that smarmy, snot-nosed, skinny little Prince/King character. He reminded me of a similar skinny blonde character, “Nellie Oleson’, on “Little House on the Prairie.” Poison was too good for him. They should have forced him to watch every episode of “Charlie Rose” and he would have killed himself.
From what I understand this epic saga is going to be back for one more season. I guess there are more zombies that need dismemberment. I imagine that I will tune in to watch the final, final, season of “Game of Thrones and I am just as sure that when it really ends I will still be confused.