Flattery Will Get You Nowhere
SOME THINGS JUST NEVER SINK IN: The concept of a Beer Milkshake, Pauly Shore, People who believe that the earth is flat.
The Beer Milkshake is just not feasible without my gag reflex going into overdrive. Pauly Shore – I don’t know where to begin while sober, and the whole Flat Earth movement??? Well, maybe if I lived in Kansas, but…
Last night we were sitting around and my wife, the lovely and Tele-visually adventuresome, Dawn, had the TV remote in her hand. Somehow she located a program discussing the resurgence of the belief that the Earth is not a globe, but a disk whizzing through space like a Frisbee. My digestive tract slipped into Neutral and my brain into Reverse.
It didn’t take long for me to realize that most of the people who believe in the Flat Earth are 
either my age or older and appear to have survived some “episodes” of ‘Brain Hockey’ or they are younger people who have spent much too much time experimenting with formulas for Beer Milkshakes while watching Pauly Shore movies. Your basic college Freshman
Despite visual, telemetric, and astronomical evidence there are those folks who seriously think that we live on an extra large pizza surrounded by a wall of ice. At first I thought they were joking, but – No. In their theory that wall of ice around the rim of the pie plate has two purposes.
1) It explains and acts as Antarctica, and more importantly,
2) It keeps us from falling off the edge and into…whatever. Los Angeles, maybe?
Something that seems to be a really big fly in their ointment is that the “Flat-Earthers” accept the fact that the Moon is a globe, but of indeterminate composition (Cheddar perhaps?), and that the rest of our Solar System is made up of globular planets – BUT…BUT…BUT…the Earth is as flat as a cake dish, Interstate 70 between Topeka and the Colorado State Line, and a six week old Solo Cup of Diet Pepsi. That tiny incongruity fails to deter them from writing letters to various editors, maintaining a website, or convincing people to listen to them on TV after dinner when there is no Baseball game on.
Ask anyone who knows me (who is allowed visitors), or will admit to having met me, and they will tell you that I am pretty easy going when it comes to what other people choose to believe. I have actual friends who believe in the Designated Hitter Rule. I know people who are entertained by “Prop Comics” (See Carrot Top if you want). I even know some people who openly profess that they understand The Plot of “Game of Thrones.”
See, I’m pretty darned open minded and willing to listen – as long as you don’t stand there and try to lather me up with ideas that failed several thousand years ago.
Despite what the proponents of the Flat Earth idea have to say, I cannot go along with them on the image of my home planet being just a glorified Lazy Susan with ice around the edges to keep the hors d’oeuvres from falling onto the floor. I just can’t.
Down the Hall on Your Left 
Great post. I actually read your stories very carefully, because I want to get better at writing my own humor. Your sense of timing, and observations are spot on. I enjoyed the Los Angeles reference. Thanks for the lesson.
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Thank you for your comment. My background and experience have really influenced my writing. That may be a good thing, I’m still not sure.
One thing is deliberate – I write the way that I speak. I find that lets me work faster.
Again, thanks for paying attention.
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Reblogged this on The Writers Desk and commented:
It’s time to laugh. Another great post from John Kraft.
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Would you like some pepperoni on your world, John. LOL. Great post. ☺☺
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