I Want All Or Nothing
THERE IS GOING TO BE AN ECLIPSE in this part of the world soon. I plan to skip the event. Why? Because here in Terre Haute (That’s French for, “My eyes! My eyes!”) it is not going to be a Total Eclipse. The TV says that it will be 85% here. In my book 85% is a “C” – OK, maybe a “B” if you’re grading on the curve and you have a room full of Bozos. If I am going to go through the trouble of getting those special dark glasses I want the Full Monty – so to speak. I don’t think I’m asking too much.
These eclipses happen about every 18 months visible from somewhere on Earth, but to have one happen where I could see it – not so often. So, if I have to wait X number of years for one to be visible where I happen to be – well, darn it, I want it to be a Total Eclipse!
I know that there are people who travel the world to watch eclipses. I’m not going to do that. I’m not going to go to New Guinea, Siberia, or someplace in the middle of nowhere, for an event that is going to last only a few minutes and doesn’t even have a T-shirt concession. If I am going to travel I want it to be someplace with room service and lots of coffee. There is no Starbucks in New Guinea. I know, I checked.
My plan for the Day of the Eclipse Wannabe is to go get my daily coffee infusion and, after lunch, maybe take a nap. I’m sure that there will be plenty of film on the TV showing the eclipse from where it will be a Total. I’ll look at that, nod, and then turn to my wife, the lovely and astronomically wonderful, Dawn, and say,
“That was it? Aren’t you glad that we didn’t have to go to New Guinea to see that?”
Then she will reply, “It wasn’t visible in New Guinea.” To which I will sagaciously respond with, “Oh, my bad. Maybe next time.”
I don’t want you to think that I don’t care about stuff like eclipses. I do care, it is just that (Let’s be honest here.) if you’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all. There is not a lick of difference from one eclipse to the next. If there ever is a different sort of eclipse then something is up and it won’t be good.
The key to our cosmic survival is universal consistency. Those in the know say that the Universe is 13.82 billion years old (Give or take 59 million years) and while strange stuff happens all the time, our continued presence is reliant on tomorrow looking a lot like today. It is when our solar eclipses start happening every twenty minutes, and are accompanied by temperatures of six thousand degrees before lunch, that we’ve got some serious problems.
Oh, well. If that starts to happen there ain’t squat I can do about it.
After all of the eclipse excitement I will have to kick back and relax. Maybe I’ll thumb through the latest issue of a new magazine that I picked up a Kroger’s yesterday.
I wonder if the chickens will look at the eclipse?