What Are You Gonna Do?

DURING OUR STAY IN DEMOREST, GEORGIA, on the campus of Piedmont College I must laud high praise on the facilities and the very helpful staff – but I do have one minor, teeny-tiny, itsy-bitsy complaint. I say this knowing that I may be the only person here who cares about it. Excuse my reiteration.

In all of the literature from the college, bent on luring us all to come here, they gleefully state that there is a “Starbucks right on the campus,” in the “Commons” building by the bookstore.

Technically they have told the truth.

As one enters the building and casts one’s eyes to the left there is what looks like a small Starbucks oasis. There is also a barricade blocking the only entrance to the space. On this barricade, reminiscent of something I saw in the movie version of “Les Miz,” there is a sign listing the hours of operation.

“6 to 10 PM on Thursday and 7 to 9 AM on Monday.”

Huh? Come Again? Say What? Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?

As far as I’m concerned this is a Pseudo-Starbucks. It is there for Show only.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures” I heard someone say. It may have been Ethel Merman, I’m not sure.

When it comes to coffee I was faced with only 1.25 options.

Option 1.0: I could avail myself of the “Keurig K-Cup Coffee Maker Thingy” that was in the lobby of our dorm – or – Option 0.25: I could drive about five miles to a Grocery store in the next small town that had a Starbucks inside the store. While both of these options were far from ideal the farce of the “On campus Starbucks” pushed me into the realm of, “What are you gonna do?”

I mastered the Keurig in about 8 seconds and it does produce a cup of coffee that might be called “10W-40 Blend,” and it was free, courtesy of the college. I think they felt guilty. Keurig called their coffee “Donut Shop Blend.”

Whatever.

Be that as it may, it still does not atone for the Pseudo-Starbucks.

When I drove to that next small town to get a tire fixed I saw that Starbucks sign in front of the supermarket. I quickly changed my fully inflated direction and got myself a real iced coffee. It brought tears to my eyes.

Now, as I sit here writing this I am back on campus and contemplating ways to improve the quality and selection of the Keurig K-Cup Coffee Thingys. “Donut Shop Blend” and “San Francisco Bay Fog” are so mundane, polite, and cutesy-poo. If they want to win over people like me they are going to have to come up with something more confrontational – something more “In Your Cup – In Your Face.”

How about: “Juan Valdez Kicks His Burro Coffee.”

 “Coffee? I got your coffee, right here!”

“Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Mocha”

“Tasse de Café, S’il Vous Plait – French Roast”

“Leave the Cannoli, Take the Coffee – the Godfather Blend”

I don’t know if the Keurig Company would really appreciate my suggestions. I suspect that their response would fall somewhere in between “Come and be our new leader,” and “We are getting a restraining order.”

I put all the blame for this blog posting on the academic shoulders of the college. If they had played the “We have a Starbucks on campus” business a little straighter, perhaps by phrasing it as “We don’t really have a Starbucks on campus,” it would have worked out better. It might have saved a lot of people a lot of disappointment and tested the faith of a few people who were already clog dancing on the thin ice of reality – like me.

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