The Old Soft Shoe

SOMEONE ONCE TOLD ME THAT I’D BE MUCH TALLER if I didn’t have so much folded under for feet. How does one respond to that – short of something rude, crude, and socially unacceptable? All I did say was, “Oh?”

I’m not a big fan of feet. I have two of them myself and neither one is all that aesthetically pleasing. The best I can say about them is that on most days they both reach the ground.

I rarely go about barefoot. It hurts, so I wear shoes whenever I am awake. My shoes are almost always cheap and ugly, like many of my oldest friends. Over the years I’ve purchased very expensive shoes and very inexpensive shoes and I have learned that the cheap ones hold up better than the more costly ones. So, when I need shoes it is off to Wally World I go.

I know that most people like some style in their shoes. Me? I just like them to fit my duck feet and come between me and the ground. After that I can’t be too fussy.

The other day I received an email advertising New! Stylish! And Today’s most Fashionable shoes for men and women! (They used a lot of exclamation points.) Just what I needed and wanted – right?

I copied some examples of their shoes and then I went scrounging through the underbelly of the internet looking for some other shoes that seem to actually be for sale out there, and that some poor schlub will probably buy. I’m going to show you a few of them so you can start your Christmas shopping early.

These first two items both appeared in that original email ad. These shoes look painful is all I can say. I think that the model is wearing them the only way possible – with feet up in the air and not on the ground. They look like an instrument of torture. “Now, from Spanish Inquisition Shoes comes – The Torquemada Special!”

The other shoes are what we used to call “Fence Climbers.” If you were wearing those you could easily climb a chain link fence. I could never get my feet into those shoes and I don’t want to meet the person who could.

Being the casual guy that I am I am going to give some serious consideration to picking up a pair of these loafers. I wonder if, for evening wear, they come in Pumpernickel?

Some of these shoes are pretty far fetched. They make me wonder what the designers were smoking while they created them. If I  put on these shoes and walked out in public I think that there might be a negative reaction, even a dangerous one.  Just imagine wearing these Crocs to the beach all day. When you get home there might be a surprise waiting for you.

With these shoes all I can think is that whoever created them was hungry at the time and, well – they are what they are. I wonder if they are available in any traditional shoe store or must I go to a Deli to try them on.

I know that this whole thing is rather silly, but that has never stopped me before. The image at the bottom is a pretty good visualization of how my tootsies feel after a long day on my feet.

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