Dear Me !
Just like everyone else, I’ve had personal problems to deal with, but when I have a question 90% of the people I know are lined up to give me “The Answer.” The other 10 % are usually the cause of my problem.
Last week someone showed me a Dear Abby column that had a letter from the “Uncrowned Queen of Bitter.” She really didn’t have a question for Abby, she just wanted to vent and condemn half of the world’s population.
“Dear Abby, Could you explain to me why, as a species, men are so blind and stupid?”
You could tell immediately that she was not happy with men when she relegated all men, and me by default, into another species.
“There are millions of smart, funny, sweet, attractive – even sexy – eligible women to whom men do not give a second glance…”
Signed, “Eligible in Alabama.”
I assume that she is including herself in at least one of those categories. I think that her participation might be more secure if she would add “Bipedal,” “Carbon Based,” and/or “With opposable thumbs.” I could be wrong.
If this woman, “Eligible in Alabama,” could be questioned I’d bet that she would fess up that when she does have a date, in her bag or pocket, one might find Tear Gas, Stun Gun, and a 5 shot Pistol This is a dangerous person. I’d wager that she would like to see a remake of the movie “Scarface,” but starring Rosie O’Donnell.
“Abby,” whoever she is, issued a very gentle and kindly worded response. She said:
“Coupling up can be complicated these days, because many variables can come into play.”
“Coupling?” – That’s a dear Abby word for “hooking up,” and some of these “Many variables,” can include; Sanity, Prison Record, Choice of Weapon, and, in this woman’s case, – any Taboos against Inter-Species Dating. Abby goes on:
Again, that is Softball Dear Abby language for, “Drop the attitude, bitch, and maybe some guy might say ‘Hello’ to you if he didn’t have to stare down the business end of a 12 gauge Zombie Stomper.”
Please note that I am not implying, hinting, or suggesting that “Eligible in Alabama” is anything other than Mother Teresa reincarnated – but – it might not be a bad idea for her local law enforcement people to drill a few test wells in her backyard. You never know who or what might be found, along with a few rings, wristwatches and broken knife blades.
I’m just sayin’…
See? I can give good advice too. Maybe I should get a newspaper column of my own, helping out the Angst-ridden, Troubled, and Unindicted with their problems.
Yeah, it has a nice ring to it, and, unlike Dear Abby and Ann Landers, I am still alive.