The Turkey That Gobbled Tokyo
I’M A CITY BOY. Well, a Small Town Boy who grew up in town. I’ve never been hunting. I’ve never been camping. I have no desire to do either of those things. My idea of roughing it is a hotel without room service. If I need food I go to the Kroger store. Stalking down a deer or a turkey is too much work and holds no appeal for me. If my turkey doesn’t come wrapped in a net bag with one of those little “I’m Ready” pop up thingys in it I consider it unnatural.
If I was on Death Row for killing a Critic I would request for my last meal, before meeting up with “Old Sparky,” your basic Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings.
Growing up we had turkey for almost every holiday. My mother would cram a big ol’ turkey into the oven and the whole family would eat off of it for a week.
Back then a “Big ol’ turkey” was probably no bigger than 20 pounds – tops. Today the turkeys are larger. Why? Are the turkeys working out? Pumping Poultry? Nah! Modern turkeys would never be allowed to play Major League Baseball. Today’s birds are filled with PEDs – Performance Enhancing Drugs. They are “Juiced.” It is “Better eating through chemistry.”
That is a big bird – not to be confused with Big Bird who is not a turkey, but a Puppet.
Continuing in my research I have learned that 37.6 pounds ain’t nothin’!
You see, I have a friend who used to work for a large Drug company doing research on animals.
Can you see where we’re going here?
Over coffee our conversation drifted to our favorite foods. When I told him that my favorite was turkey he mentioned that he used to be part of a project to develop “Enhanced Turkeys.” Big turkeys. Really big turkeys.
He told me that his King Kong of turkeys tipped the scales at – brace yourself – 83 pounds. He added that the breast alone was 69 pounds – and delicious.
After I picked myself up from the floor he continued. “We took half of the breast home and ate turkey for several weeks.”
They apparently suffered no ill effects from eating Pamela Sue Turkey – no extra thumbs or third eyes, but I will watch him more closely from now on.
His project ended when the company realized that 83 pound turkeys were not commercially viable. I mean – who has an oven big enough to cook that beast? You could never make enough stuffing. If you wanted to cook up Shamu Turkey for Thanksgiving dinner you would have to fire up your blast furnace by July 4th at the latest.
Another problem that the Drug Company Research Team encountered was that at 83 pounds André the Turkey was so big it couldn’t stand on its own two drumsticks. If they wanted to move the turkey they had to pick it up like it was a live, feathered, Fiat 500.
A turkey that large would be scary. You’d have to carve it up with a chain saw and how many turkey sandwiches can you eat?
I’m glad that they gave up on those Mega-Turkeys. Just imagine if one of those monsters had gotten loose…well, you remember what happened with Godzilla and Tokyo?