Flarp

IF I SAY THE WORD “FLARP” TO YOU WHAT COMES TO MIND? If you are over the age of 12 probably nothing – I hope. Unfortunately, it does carry a very specific meaning to me and I can blame several children and one adult for that.

“Flarp” is a product that is gloriously described as “Noise Putty.”

Indeed.

Made in China (where else?) for a company in Jacksonville, Fl. Knowing that this stuff is sold in the US may be the reason the Chinese are being more aggressive and less fearful of the West.

“Flarp” will carry you into the world of Hollywood films – mainly “Blazing Saddles.”

I’m sure that Flarp was one of those accidental creations, like The Slinky or Justin Bieber. That must be the case because I can’t believe that a Scientific Laboratory somewhere on this planet set out to deliberately create a product that could easily mimic the full auditory spectrum of severe gastro-intestinal flatulal distress. Get the picture?

If Flarp was a person it would be perpetually in either the Principal’s Office or the Emergency Room.

The actual product description of Flarp is this: Flarp Noise Putty is the perfect way to get the sound of great farts without the stink. Just stick your fingers into the container of putty and you’ll be on your way to poke fun at unsuspecting people who walk past you. Poke it, squish it. It’s disgusting, great fun.

They don’t write ‘em like that anymore.

Thank God.

I can’t imagine any other product that would carry that description….except maybe the “Whoopee Cushion,” which is also sold, not surprisingly, by the same company.

Are we surprised by that?

“Flarp” comes in Blue, Green, Orange, Pink, and Yellow in a nice little 3.7 oz. plastic container that is covered with caveats, warnings, and technical information.

“Flarp Noise Putty”, the container says, complies with industry standards ASTM D4236 and ASTM F963 (Covering Toy Safety and Art Supply Hazards).

Art Supply?

There are additional warnings such as “Do Not Eat” and “Keep Away From Heat.” I guess that precludes any plans to cook up a bowlful. Anyway, it’s hard to find “Flarp Helper” on store shelves these days.

“May Stick To (And Stain) Surfaces”

And “Flarp” is a product recommended for “Ages 3+.” Intellectually maybe, but this stuff is, in my humble opinion, just a molecule or two away from being a violation of the Geneva War Crimes Convention.

I never could find out what the chemical formula is for “Flarp,” but I did locate a recipe for “Make your own ‘Flarp’.” It starts off with, “In a large bowl, pour 8 oz. of glue.”

I couldn’t read any farther.

One other thing about “Flarp” that amazes me is the price. Down in Texas it was available in a “Dollar Store” for… a dollar, but, in the course of my intensive research, I have seen it going for as much as $11.05 for the same 3.7 oz. container. It is nice to know that Walgreens will do free shipping if your “Flarp” order is over $25.

That is a lot of “Flarp.”

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