Making Out My Christmas List
WHILE THIS IS THE HOLIDAY SEASON, a time of Joy and Happiness, there is one thing that always mars that sense of glee. Seeing our USPS Letter Carrier (aka The Mailman) lumbering up the street. This time of the year he is toting a bag filled with tons of Christmas Catalogs.
Yesterday we found six different catalogs and a couple of bills stuffed into our mailbox like a blivet. Look it up. Some of the catalogs were from companies we had never heard of before.
Only one item missed being put immediately into the recycling bin and that was because it was one of those catalogs that offered items that have no good reason for even existing.
Answer me this…
Who is going to spend their money ($9.99) on a set of four “wind-up racing mice with whirling tails?” Unless your aim is to torment the cat I can see no reason to buy this item. The mice are wind-up – not even battery powered. My guess is that, once the gift wrapped box is opened on Christmas morning, they will be stepped on and broken before noon.
If someone used these racing mice as a “Secret Santa” gift at work they would end up in a “Positive Discipline” hearing with The Boss. If it was The Boss who got the mice as a gift it might result in some wiseacre looking for a new job. Am I right?
Yes, I am.
On page 50 of this catalog they are offering a fine selection of gifts for the Paranoid.
For a cool $50 Dollars – Fifty – Five-Oh Bucks you can have your pick of three different Motion Detectors to put outside your house to alert you when “They” are coming for you.
I don’t know how effective “Gertrude, the Motion Sensor Goose” might be unless she honks really loud to warn you.
I think that “Diego, the Donkey Motion Sensor” would do a better job even though he is only 14 
inches tall. A good and loud “Hee-Haw” always gets my attention here in the middle of Terre Haute (That’s French for, “Has anybody seen the donkey?”).
If the goose and the donkey don’t do it for you then I suggest “Clarabelle, the Calf Motion Sensor Sculpture.” When someone approaches your compound Clarabelle starts Mooing. I would expect nothing different.
The catalog, in an effort at Full Disclosure adds that Clarabelle is “Suitable for indoor or outdoor use.” Some things should be kept between a person and their Therapist.
My favorite item in the catalog is up there on page 10 under the heading of, “Gifty Gadgets.” It is listed with the rather mundane name of “Supply Station.” I bet they came up with a whole bunch of better names, but were limited by the boundaries of good taste.
The “Supply Station” is a combination tape dispenser, paper clip reservoir, and pencil holder 
all cleverly disguised as a man sitting on a toilet. You don’t see the paper clips? Help the little man to his feet and his magnetic butt will lift a clip from the toilet bowl. Can’t you just see that sitting on your desk at work? Neither can I – at least not in these uncertain economic times. Oh, yes – it also has a slot where you can keep some Post-it-Notes in case you want to update your resume′.
Looking through catalogs like this is what gets me into the Holiday Spirit. When I see the Donkey Motion Sensors I can almost see it standing there as a part of a Christmas Nativity display, ripping off a good Hee-Haw if one of the Wise Men gets too close to the manger.
Dang! It almost makes me want to run outside and string some lights on the front porch and stick a pair of fuzzy antlers on the Toyota.
Down the Hall on Your Left 
I also keep out a catalogue I get every year, similar to the one you mention. After I look through it and marvel at all the gadgets available for one dollar and up, I keep it on the coffee table for anyone else to leaf through. Or….until I get tired of seeing it laying there.
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