That Time Is Gone Forever

DON’T WORRY. WE’RE BOTH OK. My brain is bruised and Dawn’s eyes are a bit iffy, but we are recovering.

We recently spent an hour and a half watching “Sharknado.”

I’m sure by now that you are all familiar with “Sharknado,” perhaps the worst film ever made. A true waste of film stock. It has plummeted to the top of my own list of bad movies. It has pushed “Plan 9 From Outer Space” into the #2 slot.

I can’t blame the actors, although I did for a while until I read a quote from the “Star” of this epic – a fellow named Ian Ziering. Don’t feel bad – I’ve never heard of him before either. He was being interviewed about the film and he said, “I had some major concerns about the script, but I did the movie because I could make enough to qualify with the Screen Actors Guild to buy health insurance for me and my family.”  It is hard to argue with that.

As noted, his name is Ian Ziering, yet I understand that he insists that his first name be pronounced EYE-AN.” And my first name is John, but I will now insist that it be pronounced “BOB.”

Give me a break.

I’m not going to recommend that anyone rush to watch this movie, but I think you might find its pedigree somewhat entertaining.

The screenplay was written by someone using the name “Thunder Levin” – obviously a name assumed after his Bar-Mitzvah. “Sharknado” was not Thunder’s first rodeo. His previous claim to anonymity was the screenplay to “Mutant Vampire Zombies From The Hood.’ I missed that one when it was at my local movie house. I understand it was gone before the popcorn cooled. I’ll just wait until it airs on TCM.

I will not give you a rehash of the “Sharknado” story line. First, because I’m trying to forget it, and secondly, because I see no point to rehashing hash.

This movie actually had a couple of “Name” actors in it. John Heard, whose is best known for appearing in the “Home Alone” movies. (Me neither. I had to look that up.) He played a drunken barfly in this one. He was killed by sharks (Quelle surprise!).

I do remember the name Tara Reid. Her virtual brush with fame came in the TV sitcom “Saved By The Bell.” That was a few years ago and evidently she saw this movie as a good career move. It was either “Sharknado” or start showing up on milk cartons.

“Have you seen this actress? Call 1-800-GO-BOTOX.”

She was the female lead and played EYE-AN’s ex-wife and resurgent love interest. She was not eaten by sharks, just by critics (not much difference).

During my minimal research on the movie (once the ability to focus my eyes returned) I looked up the entire cast listing online. There were a lot of people who agreed to be in this movie. Aside from John Heard and Tara “Don’t call me Sharkbait” Reid they were all Unknowns, and I think they are counting on that if they hope to find employment anywhere this side of Bollywood.

For reasons known but to God and Long John Silver’s “Sharknado” has spawned sequels. I was informed that “Sharknado 4 ‘The 4^th Awakens’” has just premiered on the SyFy Network on cable TV. That is a fact. Whether it is good judgment remains to be seen. But I strongly doubt if it will be seen by me.

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