Go Ahead, Call Me Mr. Wilson

I DON’T CARE WHAT THE CALENDAR SAYS – Today is the last day of Summer. Astronomically, or maybe it’s Cosmologically, or it might even have to do with the window displays at the Hallmark Store, but Summer ends today.

The Night The Lights Went Out In Terre Haute

LET’S FACE IT; I CAN NO LONGER SLEEP THROUGH THE NIGHT. It’s not Insomnia, or Noisy Neighbors. It’s something else called, “I gotta go potty.” This happens at least once each night, regardless of my fluid intake and that is why we have a small nightlight in the bathroom.

When I crawl out of bed in the middle of the night, more than half asleep, it is like a scene from the movie, “Poltergeist.”

“Go toward the light, Carol Ann! Go toward the light!”

Without that nightlight, well….I hate to think about it.

“You’re Killing Me, Smalls”

AS HAS BEEN STATED HERE MANY TIMES BEFORE – I AM A SERIOUS BASEBALL FAN. To my fevered brain it is not just a game – it is THE GAME. And I’m not alone in that feeling.

I know a man whose love of the game makes me look like a casual observer. Let’s call him “Ron,” mainly because that’s his name.

Fiction Saturday – And Pull The Hole In After You – Continued

Fiction Saturday – Continued

Chapter Four – Continued

 

Dominic shifted uneasily in his patio chair, cleared his throat, leaned closer to the Old Man and decided to take his chances with the truth—sort of.

“When she left, sir, she also took some money I had in the house.”

“How much?”  The Captain’s eyes focused coldly on Dominic.  Missing money was serious business.

“Six hundred large,” Dominic whispered.  The Old Man cupped a hand to his ear, straining to hear.  Dominic had to repeat it, louder.  “Six hundred large, sir.”

Everybody on the porch perked up.  One of the young men let out a low whistle.  The Old Man shifted in his chair and stared at Dominic for what seemed like a minute before speaking.

“That’s a lot of money, Dominic,” he said softly.  “Why do you have so much in the house?  Where did you get it?  You have a little action going on the side I should know about?”

“No, sir.  I’m just careful with my money.  I’m … thrifty.”  Dominic could feel that his shirt was damp and beginning to stick to his skin.

“Cheap, you mean,” chuckled the Old Man.  Reflexively his musclemen joined in. Dominic squirmed and tugged at his shirt collar which had suddenly become too tight.

 “It’s for expenses, sir.  To pay my boys…and I like to have some cash for emergencies and, you know, opportunities.”  This was getting more uncomfortable by the minute.

It’s Only Fair.

IT IS AUGUST IN THE MIDWEST. That can mean only one thing: State Fairs and Deep Fried Food. OK, I guess that’s two things, but who’s counting?

When the gates to the fairgrounds open some people will head to the livestock exhibits, some will rush to get their seats for the entertainment shows, but thousands will head right to the food midway so they can see what’s new on this year’s menu – and there is always something new.

If there is a way to deep fry it – into the fryer it will go.

To Each His Own

ONE OF HUMANITY’S OLDEST RITUALS, aside from putting their names on the hedge clippers and putting the trash out to the curb, has been tattooing. Anthropologists have uncovered mummified remains around the world bearing crude tattoos.

How this practice began is a mystery, but I think the reasons then are the same as the reasons today – to frag off your old man and to be different just like all of your friends.

Advantage – Bats!

FIRST IT WAS MOUNTAIN LIONS, then it was Black Bears – and now it’s Bats. So far there are no Tigers involved.

I swear, this town is beginning to look like the Waiting Room for Noah’s Ark.

The Good, The Bad, And The Crispy

I LOVE PIZZA. CORRECTION: I LOVE MOST PIZZAS.

Pizza is a very simple dish (or pan). It is not difficult to make. I suspect that you could make a passable pizza in one of those old “Suzy Homemaker” or “Easy-Bake” ovens.

Fiction Saturday – And Pull The Hole In After You – Continued

Fiction Saturday – Continued

Chapter Four

 

On a pastel-colored sun porch that would have been more at home in Boca Raton than in the New York City suburbs sat an old man who, though frail, still comfortably carried an air of command.  Shrunken from time and disease, he was almost lost in the oversized peacock chair.  A glass of iced tea nestled in his left hand.  He cradled it as if it were as delicate as a swallow’s egg.  His attention was focused, not on the man who was talking to him, but on the game table in front of his chair.

Four young and muscular men lounged about on the porch, getting some sun and seeing to the old man’s needs and wishes.  They respected his position and feared his power.

Our Timing Was Bad

SOMETIMES STAYING CLOSE TO HOME can be a lot like traveling to places far away. My wife, the lovely and increasingly once more left-handed, Dawn, and I had such an experience just the other day.

There we were in beautiful Terre Haute (That’s French for, “Look, a parking space.”) and we decided to pop into the local Staples store to pick up a few things – we tend to burn through office supplies.

Computer Glitch

• For those who are following my Saturday Fiction posts:My computer decided on its own to publish a chapter scheduled for late September. Sorry about that. It will make even less sense read out of the intended sequence.

Faster, Higher, Stronger, And A Bit Annoying

IT OCCURRED TO ME LAST NIGHT while watching the swimmers and gymnasts, doing things that are usually done only by creatures with fins or prehensile tails, that I hadn’t written very much about the Olympics.

Well – Here goes.

Tempus Fugit-su

That title is a slight (ahem) modification from the Roman writer Virgil and it survives into our modern lexicon because everyone knows that “Time flies when you’re having fun.” It also flies whether you like it or not. I know that as well as anybody, and I don’t need daily reminders, but I get them anyway.

That Time Is Gone Forever

DON’T WORRY. WE’RE BOTH OK. My brain is bruised and Dawn’s eyes are a bit iffy, but we are recovering.

We recently spent an hour and a half watching “Sharknado.”

Fiction Saturday – And Pull The Hole In After You – Continued

Fiction Saturday – Continued – Chapter Three

 

 The last thing she thought she would be doing on her cross-country vanishing act would be this–pushing a shopping cart up and down the aisles of a Target store in Indiana.  The waitress at the truck stop had scared her enough to listen.

“If you want to survive you need to blend in with your surroundings, not just hide in a hole.  That means getting rid of your New York wardrobe. Now.”

Beverly left her a hundred-dollar tip.

Time To Make A Decision

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE NO CHOICE IN THE MATTER. Things are going to happen whether you like it or not, so you might as well try to steer the way things go.

That sounds rather sinister doesn’t it? I don’t mean it to be like that. It’s just that there are times when you know that something is going to happen, not necessarily a bad thing, and you should try to make sure it is going to go in the direction you choose.

What I’m talking about in my case is that I am obligated, by law, to start drawing on my IRA Retirement Savings by next January. If I fail to make any arrangements on the disbursement some fine and talented Federal Employee will decide for me. I find that possibility downright scary.

Throwback Thursday – from August 2015

The Mormon Tabernacle Bomb Scare

WHEN I WENT TO SEE MY DOCTOR yesterday I expected to do most of the talking.

“This feels good, that doesn’t feel good, I’m taking my meds and we’ve been on vacation.”

“I’ve been there.”

This time my Doctor surprised me by opening up and telling me a bit about himself.

He is a native of India (I figured that out all by myself) and when he was a student he travelled extensively in the U.S. by bus. He gave me a hot travel tip (forty years out of date) that Greyhound Bus sold passes for $99 that were good for unlimited travel for 99 days.

Who in their right mind would want to spend 99 days on a Greyhound bus? Obviously, the answer is the man who is now in charge of keeping me alive.

When I did not express shock, disgust or fear and did not bolt from the room, he continued with his travelogue.

Back in the days of his youth, the 1970s is my guess; his ninety-nine dollars took him to Salt Lake City (I’ve been there). He wanted to attend a performance of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and to hear their magnificent pipe organ in concert. That’s about it in Salt Lake City – unless you want to walk around town stepping over the outstretched legions of “Urban Nomadic Sommeliers.”

He continued.

“No matter where I went I always carried my small suitcase with me that had all of my clothes and ‘essentials.’ I carried it when I went to hear the choir.”

When he gave me that detail I was lost as to where this was going. He soon filled in the blanks for me.

“As I sat there, waiting for the concert to begin, it got very quiet in the hall. Some people near me began to talk, saying that they could hear something ‘ticking’ and they were afraid that it was a bomb.

“Shortly, an announcement was made that the hall was to be evacuated because of a bomb threat. When I tried to leave I was surrounded by fifteen policemen. They escorted (his word, not mine) me into a room and asked me if I had a bomb in my suitcase. I told them that it was just my alarm clock that was ticking. I had no bomb.

“When I tried to open my suitcase to show them they became agitated and would not let me.”

At this point in his narrative I was laughing – he was not.

Of course, they found only the Good Doctor – To – Be’s Indian-made alarm clock ticking away loudly.

“After they returned my alarm clock I thanked them for the ‘VIP Treatment’ they had given me.”

That was his attempt at wry humor.

“I never did get to hear the choir. They wouldn’t let me back into the hall.”

Life is like that, Doctor.

After all of that my blood pressure was fine, my heart was still beating and he gave me the go-ahead to stay alive for another three months.

As I was leaving I gave him a new adage to think about:

“Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose and sometimes you get the ‘VIP Treatment,’ but they still won’t let you back in.”

I Have A Need To Know

WELL, I REALLY DID IT TODAY – put myself behind the 8 Ball, slammed the door on my toes, and painted myself into a corner. Yup, I left home this morning without my phone.

I have become so plugged into that thing that without it I feel like I’m sitting alone in an empty room, with the lights out, the shades pulled down, wearing a blindfold, and with earplugs screwed two inches deep into my head.

Hairs Looking At You, Babe

I’VE BEEN NOTICING SOMETHING RECENTLY – Something that the rest of the world may have been aware of for some time. I can be slow on the pick-up at time.

There seems to be a fad, fashion trend, or style, for men that is news to me. I’m seeing a lot of younger men sporting really long beards. I’m not talking Abraham Lincoln beard, but something closer to the ZZ Top band or the late Maharishi Mahesh Yogi (Under 50 years of age break out your Google).

Getting An Oil Change – Not At Grease Monkey

I LIKE CARS, BUT I CAN’T BUILD THEM. I can’t repair them. I can’t even sell them. I just like driving them and I do appreciate them as an Art Form. The Jaguar XKE was once exhibited at the New York Museum of Modern Art.