Down the Hall on Your Left

This site is a blog about what has been coasting through my consciousness lately. The things I post will be reflections that I see of the world around me. You may not agree with me or like what I say. In either case – you’ll get over it and I can live with it if it makes you unhappy. Please feel free to leave comments if you wish . All postings are: copyright 2014 – 2019

I’m Just Guessing Here

Saint ArbucksI LOVE GOING INTO ST. ARBUCKS. It is a veritable showcase for displaying the skills of the Marketing and Advertising people who are sitting in Seattle drinking way too much coffee and not getting enough Vitamin D.

There is no way I can verify this, but – I suspect that the corporate Marketing and Ad folks working at the Espresso Vatican are all in their 20s with MFA degrees from East Coast schools. Moving to Seattle was the first time that they have not had their parent’s home listed as their legal address.

While still on campus they attended a “Job Fair” where the Head Hunters from the Puget Sound passed out coupons and seriously flirted with anyone who could correctly spell “Frappuccino.”

After weeding out the Mr. Coffee users, a select few were given interviews to determine if they 3had any real talent and a high threshold for caffeine poisoning. Those who failed were handed green aprons and hired as Baristas. The ones who passed the initial interview, without displaying facial tics or tapping the desk with a pencil at 1200 beats per minute, were sent to Seattle to check their tolerance for mildew and flannel shirts.

8I’m sure that they do some heavy duty interviewing and portfolio “tsk – tsk-ing to see if the young graduates have any artistic or linguistic talent that can be adapted to appear to have been done by someone who does chalk drawings on sidewalks. I’m serious.

The next time you are in a St. Arbucks look around at the signs and such. They really do look like they were done by a talented 9 year old.

Once the applicant/supplicant to the Order of the Chai Latte of St. Arbucks (Patron Saint of Jittery People) has cleared all the hurdles to employment they are given a name tag, a headset for working the “Drive Thru” window, and a world atlas..

It’s not that they have to learn all possible sources of coffee, but so they can get the correct 4spelling of places like “Zambuezi,” and “The Island of Thrombosis,” so they can start cranking out those cute signs for the in-store displays that people 6have to bump into.

For some reason, known but to Seattle, St. Arbucks never advertises coffee from Brazil, Kona, or Terre Haute (That’s French for, “We have a brewery here.”). It must be company policy to never buy coffee from any place that doesn’t have at least one “Z” in it, three vowels in a row, or no consonants at all. The only way to correctly pronounce some of their sources requires dental surgery.

I would never want to work behind the counter at St. Arbucks – and I’m sure that St. Arbucks 2feels the same. For one thing, my artistic skills are not up to any level of snuff and I wouldn’t last more than 20 minutes before I’d come across the counter at someone. Every day I see fools come in who can’t make up their mind and then want to buy 12 items – each rung up separately, while trying to pay for it all with an out of state, third party counter check. Do that with me and I’d have them by the throat, screaming at them, “Shut up! You’ll take what I give you and if you want all this other crap you can go over to Kroger’s and bother them. They don’t care. Most of them are stoned and don’t care anyway.”

There – I have solved the problem of having customers lined up out to the front door.

Whew! I’ve gotten myself all worked up. I need a refill.

Have a nice day and stay out of my way.

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3 thoughts on “I’m Just Guessing Here

  1. Anonymous on said:

    🙂 You better be careful, you’ll be barred from St. Arbucks and Kroger both! Funny though. Glad I don’t drink coffee. I’d be visiting SA every morning, 7-365! I’d soon be a nervous creature-of-the-black-caffeine. I’ve seen some of those in the stores in and around Tear Hut (that’s short for I don’t know what else to call it, ’cause I’m not as poetically gifted as some people). Most of them are irritable, nasty, confused, bearded….and a lot more. Wait! There are exceptions that I see. Not all bearded men and women fit in that narration. Of course, you don’t….I betcha. But I’d have to meet you face-to-face to make sure. Maybe someday. I Betcha. 🙂

    Like

  2. Anonymous on said:

    Some of the true characters at St. Arbucks work there. They make the customers look positively sedated.

    Like

  3. Anonymous on said:

    From Java Haute, I’m catching up on and enjoying your blog. Always entertaining. Jim of B&N

    Like

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