I’m Just Guessing Here
I LOVE GOING INTO ST. ARBUCKS. It is a veritable showcase for displaying the skills of the Marketing and Advertising people who are sitting in Seattle drinking way too much coffee and not getting enough Vitamin D.
There is no way I can verify this, but – I suspect that the corporate Marketing and Ad folks working at the Espresso Vatican are all in their 20s with MFA degrees from East Coast schools. Moving to Seattle was the first time that they have not had their parent’s home listed as their legal address.
While still on campus they attended a “Job Fair” where the Head Hunters from the Puget Sound passed out coupons and seriously flirted with anyone who could correctly spell “Frappuccino.”
After weeding out the Mr. Coffee users, a select few were given interviews to determine if they had any real talent and a high threshold for caffeine poisoning. Those who failed were handed green aprons and hired as Baristas. The ones who passed the initial interview, without displaying facial tics or tapping the desk with a pencil at 1200 beats per minute, were sent to Seattle to check their tolerance for mildew and flannel shirts.
I’m sure that they do some heavy duty interviewing and portfolio “tsk – tsk-ing to see if the young graduates have any artistic or linguistic talent that can be adapted to appear to have been done by someone who does chalk drawings on sidewalks. I’m serious.
The next time you are in a St. Arbucks look around at the signs and such. They really do look like they were done by a talented 9 year old.
Once the applicant/supplicant to the Order of the Chai Latte of St. Arbucks (Patron Saint of Jittery People) has cleared all the hurdles to employment they are given a name tag, a headset for working the “Drive Thru” window, and a world atlas..
It’s not that they have to learn all possible sources of coffee, but so they can get the correct spelling of places like “Zambuezi,” and “The Island of Thrombosis,” so they can start cranking out those cute signs for the in-store displays that people have to bump into.
For some reason, known but to Seattle, St. Arbucks never advertises coffee from Brazil, Kona, or Terre Haute (That’s French for, “We have a brewery here.”). It must be company policy to never buy coffee from any place that doesn’t have at least one “Z” in it, three vowels in a row, or no consonants at all. The only way to correctly pronounce some of their sources requires dental surgery.
I would never want to work behind the counter at St. Arbucks – and I’m sure that St. Arbucks feels the same. For one thing, my artistic skills are not up to any level of snuff and I wouldn’t last more than 20 minutes before I’d come across the counter at someone. Every day I see fools come in who can’t make up their mind and then want to buy 12 items – each rung up separately, while trying to pay for it all with an out of state, third party counter check. Do that with me and I’d have them by the throat, screaming at them, “Shut up! You’ll take what I give you and if you want all this other crap you can go over to Kroger’s and bother them. They don’t care. Most of them are stoned and don’t care anyway.”
There – I have solved the problem of having customers lined up out to the front door.
Whew! I’ve gotten myself all worked up. I need a refill.
Have a nice day and stay out of my way.