Tempura Is Better Than Human Sacrifice
I AM A BIG FAN OF WARM WEATHER. This time of year “Warm Weather” is anything above 32 degrees
Fahrenheit. If we were in July I would have to advance that number to 75 degrees–ish. But, we are where we are on the calendar and there is nothing I can do except play the hand I’ve been dealt.
Following that very short train of logic along the track I have to admit that, in contrast to the temperatures a week or so ago, today is almost beach weather. Today it is about 35F. Ten days ago it was 4F. It was so cold that I had ideas freeze in mid-air when I spoke them aloud. Not always a pretty sight.
That was the day that we flew to Texas for a funeral. It was a brisk Four Degrees in Indianapolis, and when we landed in Corpus Christi – a soul stirring Seventy-three. My body snapped into an involuntary happy dance. Again, not always a pretty sight. But you take it where and when you can get it.
When people talk about “Jet Lag” they are talking about a temporal discombobulation. I think they should consider adding a climatic aspect to the discussion. I have felt the havoc of a sudden five hour change on my body, but I think that a 69 degree shift is just as big a whiplash to my remaining organic matter. I would much rather have the change be of the Plus nature rather than the Negative. I cannot imagine what my body would do if it was transported from a lovely and quite acceptable, 73 degrees environment to some hellhole where it was only 4 degrees above zero. I think that 4 degrees is much too close to my personal Absolute Zero where all molecular motion stops and I drift off into a mist of atomic particles, never to be seen again.
In my short span of years on this blue planet I have felt a wintery blast that got down to -22 degrees. I walked to school in that ice ball crap. On the other end of the thermometer I have dealt with +114 degrees sweating my pocky corpse like a lawn sprinkler. For the record: I didn’t like either of those two events. But I’ll tell you one thing – I’ll take the +114 over the -22 any day of the week.
When it is that hot you can always keep pouring iced beverages down your gullet to prevent turning into a charcoal briquette, but when it is -22 degrees out, you can’t keep stoking the fire with hot drinks or adding another pair of thermal undies. At some point, the only way to warm up would be to start sucking on a propane tank and flick your Bic. True, you would instantly warm up to about 1100 degrees and then very quickly fall back into a quite permanent coldness.
I’ll take the +114.
Obviously, I survived both experiences. All I could do when I got indoors, after my walk to school at -22 degrees, was continue to shiver, curse under my frozen breath, and offer myself up as a human sacrifice to whoever would give me a ride home.
After throwing in the sweaty towel in the +114 degree outing I was perfectly capable of going to dinner at a Japanese restaurant and to a baseball game where the “AC of the Gods” kept everything at a nice +78.
Moral: Cold weather causes a reversion to Pre-Columbian Human Sacrifice.
Hot weather leads to convivial interactions, Tempura, and Baseball.
It doesn’t seem all that complicated to me. Class Dismissed.