It Must Be Love
SOME DAYS YOU JUST WANT TO PUT YOUR BRAIN ON HOLD. The other night, my wife, the lovely and very telegenic, Dawn, was channel surfing, hanging ten off the remote. All we wanted was something mindless after a hectic day.
Boy, did she ever find it.
“Married At First Sight” is a “Reality” show on the Lifetime Network. The premise is that two people (Thank God for that limitation) are going to marry and they meet for the first time when the Bride walks down the aisle. At first, I thought this was all a gag, but no, they are dead serious and the gagging was left up to me.
The episode we watched followed three couples from the Wedding Day through the Honeymoon. It was like watching a two hour super slo-mo replay of a train wreck.
I’m not criticizing the Brides and Grooms. They all appeared to be intelligent and rational people who just want to be married. The sound of them speaking was almost drowned out by the drumbeat ticking of all those Biological Clocks.
We noticed that all of the actual weddings took place in Georgia. This made us wonder if there is some quirk in the law there that allows two people to get a marriage license without showing up at some Clerk’s office to sign for it. Maybe I don’t want to know.
Of the three couples involved only one of them seemed to “hit it off.” By that I mean that the Bride actually let the Groom give her a kiss on the lips. With the others it didn’t take long for the Brides to either disappear into the Ladies Room, or openly doubt their own sanity.
The Grooms smiled a lot, but they looked a bit shell-shocked. I’m sure they shared the same thoughts as their new Brides – “Oh, my God, what have I just done?”
What must you be feeling to come on a program like this? Talk about your “Hail, Mary” passes. Never was there a move more steeped in desperation.
Early on in our viewing evening I wondered aloud who played Yenta for these people. It turns out the matches were made by a collection of Psychologists and Advisors using some sort of Saber-Metrics Analytical Analysis Logarithm or maybe it was tea leaves or chicken entrails. I was never really clear on that. They crunch the numbers and come up with a match: Loves Children; Sense of Humor, Bats Right, Throws Left. It must be Love.
I learned later that this thing is in its third season. Where have I been? How could I have missed this exercise in emotional murder/suicide? I don’t plan on watching any more of this show, but out of twisted curiosity, I would like to see a scorecard of the last three seasons. How many of these couples are still married? How many have gnawed off their own legs to get away? How many of the Brides and Grooms have been arrested for tracking down the Psychologists and beating them senseless?
The couples were told that after six weeks they would be asked if they wanted to stay wed or opt out and file for divorce. Great. Just great. Take two of the most traumatic and emotional events in a person’s life and cram them into a six week time slot and televise it all to a worldwide audience starved for quality entertainment ever since Honey Boo Boo was cancelled.
Dawn and I watched this program and all I can safely say is that it was painful, sad, and painfully sad. Those were two hours we’ll never get back and at my age that can be considered a significant investment of time.