I’ll Try My Best In 2016

THIS TIME NEXT WEEK SANTA WILL BE BACK IN A BOX until next Thanksgiving. The rumor that he heads to Boca right after Christmas is just that. As soon as the cookies are eaten the old guy heads back into storage.

Now is the time to look forward. Pick up one of the new pens that stuffed a stocking, grab a piece of paper and get down to it. It is time to start making those dreaded New Year Resolutions. It should be easy. We’ve all been making the same ones over and over for decades. We could probably skip the pen and paper altogether and just recite last year’s list.

But, being a dutiful blogger I have decided to lay them out here for everyone and the dog to see. Some of my resolutions are personal to me, but most fall under the heading of “Just like everybody else.”

Here goes:

Resolutions for 2016

(Renewable at no extra charge)

1. Lose Weight. Well, Duhhhhhh. It’s not difficult. I’ve lost several tons over the years. This year it calls for about 20 more. If it doesn’t look good by Thanksgiving I may order that new attachment for the vacuum and try a little DIY Liposuction.
2. Watch more TV. I really watch very little. We tend to glom onto a series and binge watch until we’ve run it through. If anybody has any good ideas about what we should attack in 2016, please advise.
3. Try thinking before speaking. I should have learned that in elementary school, but the nuns didn’t want us speaking at all, so there was, technically, no time before speaking. It’s a fine line, I know, but still. Not thinking has gotten me this far in the world. I did claw my way to the bottom of the corporate ladder, several times. The only time it proved to be an asset was while onstage doing Stand-up or Improv. You can see how far it got me in that world.

4. Travel to Ireland. Piece of cake. We already have the floor plan of that laid down for seven weeks this coming spring. I stuck this one in just to increase my percentage of successful resolutions.

5. Lose Weight. See Number 1 above. It bears repeating.
6. Improve my aim. This particular resolution can fall under a number of categories; Self Defense, Touch Football, Personal Hygiene, Goal Setting, Toothpaste Selection, and/or Wastebasket Ball. Any of these would benefit from such improvement. I’ll work on it.
7. Don’t smile during my upcoming prostate exam. Actually that alone would be a significant improvement over my last exam. Let’s just say that my Doctor did not laugh when I said, “You could at least buy me dinner.” This year I will remain silent and keep a serious look on my face – and everywhere else.
8. Keep my trap shut while going through airport security. This one is a repeat from previous years. My dear wife, the lovely and mildly concerned, Dawn, is fearful that I will say something that will get me either arrested or move up the date for Resolution number 7.

I make it no secret that my esteem for the TSA “Security Personnel” falls somewhere between Atilla the Hun and his band of Merry-Makers, and an epidemic of the MRSA virus. (Closer to the virus to be truthful.) I admit that, during a “patdown” at the Indianapolis airport, I did whisper to my new closest friend the same line I used on my Doctor during the prostate exam. It ended the “security check” of my crotch quite speedily.

So, that’s it for the upcoming year – 2016. I promise to work hard on these resolutions. They all have potential quality of life benefits – and quantity of life as well, I guess.

I’m going to go watch some TV now – practicing for next year. I could say that I’m “in training” for 2016. Yeah, let’s go with that.

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