OK. THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE CYNICAL, I SUPPOSE. I’m not against Halloween or anything like that. It’s just that it paints me into a corner every year. What kind of costume should I have? Should I buy something or make it myself? Should it be in good taste or just the usual?
I haven’t gone “Trick or Treating” for years. I finally figured out that people don’t like to part with their Snickers when the bag is being held by a guy with a white beard – a real white beard.
Nowadays I wear a costume when I’m handing out the goodies at the door or when we go to a party. Neither one is as much fun as hitting up the neighbors for a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup.
Planning a costume requires some real thought. It has to make sense. I couldn’t get one of those body suits that have a skeleton painted on the front. That would look silly on me. Have you ever seen a skeleton with love handles? Neither have I and I don’t want to set a bad example for chubby guys in the future.
My favorite DIY costume was from my years in Cleveland. Cleveland is a great town with crappy weather, but a lively Arts Scene. I was invited to a Halloween party that would be mainly Painters, Sculptors and a few Actors. I knew that I had to go that extra step.
I purchased some heavy duty Construction Paper and green Crepe Paper. On the Construction Paper I painted what I thought looked like two slices of Wonder Bread, added a pickle slice and toothpick on one piece of bread. I glued the green Crepe Paper around the edges like lettuce. I then connected the two pieces of bread and put one on my front and one on my back. I went to the party as a cheese sandwich: Two slices of bread with Kraft in the middle.
(Pause for Applause)
The Painters and Sculptors loved it. The Actors thought I looked like an idiot, but then, Actors think that about everybody whom they look upon as competition.
This year’s costume has been narrowed down to three finalists. One will be chosen as the Winner and if, for some reason it cannot complete its function, the title of Winner will fall to the first runner-up.
Costume Number One: A Presidential Candidate. It doesn’t matter which one – they are all pretty much interchangeable, even the women. I figure I will dress up nicely, have dollar bills sticking out of my pockets, and be wearing handcuffs. The handcuffs might make it a bit difficult to go potty, but I think they are a nice touch.
Costume Number Two: A Barista from St. Arbucks. All I need clothing-wise is a black shirt and a green apron. Beyond that it is the little touches that sell it – some makeup around the eyes to let me look like I’ve been up all night partying, a cell phone to send text messages while taking customer orders, a fake hair bun clipped to the top of my head, and a tendency to drop things. I’ve never met a barista who could ever qualify for a spot on any Police Department Bomb Squad.
Costume Number Three: Resurrect the Cheese Sandwich – only this time I’ll put on some pale makeup and keep spraying my face with a water bottle so I can tell everyone I’m a Brie sandwich.
Time is getting short and I must commit myself to one of these three costumes. It’s either that or just dress like I normally do and let everyone think I’m costumed as an old guy who drinks too much coffee and needs a shave.