Move Over Cap’n Crunch
I DROPPED IN AT ST. ARBUCKS this morning. I was going for coffee, but my wife, the lovely and perceptive, Dawn, said that I was going for my “Play Group.” I promised to behave and to drink my milk before nap time.
The real reason for my visit was that I was on a fact finding mission. I was investigating, delving into if you will, a deeply hidden mystery: Starbucks Secret Menu.
The internet is clogged with references to it, newspaper and magazine articles have speculated about it, but now, I was going into the Heart of Pumpkin Spice to get the scoop – straight from the Burro’s Mouth.
I loitered about, chatting with The Usual Suspects, waiting for the right moment to journalistically pounce. When things slowed and the baristas were idly standing about, straightening the straws, I moved.
I approached the “new guy” who was still eager to please the customers.
“So,” I said “Tell me about the Starbucks Secret Menu.”
At first I thought he was just playing dumb with that “deer in the headlights look.” When he began to sweat I realized he wasn’t playing. As soon as it became obvious that he had no idea what I was talking about I could see the new Asst. Mgr. rushing over. The “new guy” looked at her with “Help me” in his eyes. She did.
“That ‘Secret menu’ is so secret that even we don’t know anything about it,” she said.
When she saw that I wasn’t folding up my Investigative Reporter Tent and skulking away, she began to open up.
“Oh, we’ve seen those things on the internet, but none of that is true. What is true is that the baristas experiment and sometimes come up with new beverages.”
“Such as…?” I asked.
“The Cap’n Crunch Frappuccino.”
“You’re making that up,” I said. “What is in that, cereal?”
“No. It’s just coffee and a mix of syrups… and chocolate chips, of course. It has so much sugar in it that I don’t like it.”
“Could I order that here?”
“Well – it’s not on the menu.”
I have established the fact that the “Starbucks Secret Menu” does exist – at least in Terre Haute (That’s French for, “Cap’n Crunch Died Here”).
I feel like an insider now. I have peeked behind the curtain and chatted with the Wizard.
Once I got the Asst. Mgr. to come clean I took the liberty of suggesting some new items that might be added to the “Secret Menu.” Let me know what you think.
“The Chef Boyardee Italian Special” – A mix of Espresso, with a dash of Garlic Powder and grated Parmesan Cheese – garnished with a Cherry Tomato.
“The Vive Le France!” – Espresso and steamed milk with a hint of sliced Truffles, and served with an attitude that says, “You are inferior.” It can be served year ‘round – except for the first two weeks in August.
I’m going to spend a lot of time this weekend coming up with new things that could be made at Starbucks, but only if you are an insider. The ordinary customer off the streets will be out of luck when it comes to being able to enjoy my new creations.
I’m hoping that, by Monday, I’ll have found the perfect way to combine coffee, oatmeal and canned tuna. I’ll call it “The BreakFish Special.”
Oh, get me a cuppa that!