A Rose Is A Rose Is A .357 Magnum
I WAS WANDERING through the recently reconfigured aisles of the Kroger’s Supermarket this morning. Whenever they do make changes like that it takes a while for me to be able to find anything again. I end up having to go up and down all the aisles. I know that having me do that is the objective, but if I haven’t purchased canned lychee nuts in the last forty years I probably won’t be doing so anytime soon.
While I was cruising and looking for the rice I happened to pass the Magazine display. I hadn’t seen that before so I stopped and perused the selection of things I wouldn’t be purchasing.
There must be 300 different magazines there. I haven’t heard of 98% of them.
Is there really enough interest to warrant publishing a magazine called “Crappie World?” I assume it has to do with fishing. Change that: I pray that it has to do with fishing.
Some titles are clearly self explanatory – like “Whittling.” I can’t imagine that it would be about anything other than – well, sitting on the front porch and whittling while Cousin Jedediah, the one with the funny eye, sits nearby playing the banjo. It all sounds rather calming and rustic – very “Deliverance.”
“Combat Tactics” on the other hand is a bit unnerving. If I feel the need for that magazine I want to be sure that I am the only one reading it. Otherwise it is a blueprint for a stalemate.
I’d say that the title of that magazine presupposes that I am going to soon be in a combat situation calling for ‘tactics’ and that I have already arranged for my weaponry. This then eliminates my need to read the other 34 magazines on the rack having to do with rifles, handguns, bows and arrows and replacement flatware patterns.
One magazine that caught my eye without causing it to twitch was called “Get Rich At Home.”
I can get behind that.
I didn’t look at it so I’m not really sure how I am to accomplish the getting rich part if I am still at home. Do the banks deliver now? Do I email them a threatening note?
“Put the money in a paper bag and bring it by. While you’re up, stop and get me a large pepperoni, thin crust, pizza, but not from Dominos, and nobody gets hurt.”
Maybe I should break down and actually buy that magazine. It must have some detailed instructions inside, don’t you think?
I must have wasted 45 minutes gawking at all of the magazines on display there.
The titles seem to fall into just three or four categories: Guns and other assorted Weapons; Outdoorsy stuff like Whittling and Fishing (which I really see as a subset of the guns and stuff category), Beauty, Glamour and How to Meet Men/Boys/Pop Stars. I’ve lumped the Teen magazines in with the Beauty, etc. titles because the Teen Magazines are aimed at a barely pubescent audience of girls who think that the Beauty and Glamour will get them closer to the Boy Band singers.
Who am I to discourage them?
Then there are the magazines all about how to improve the way you live. Build a new home, redecorate your home. Move to the city. Move to the country. And while you’re at it try one of our 7000 new and easy recipes! Make a scrapbook about it all.
Become your Mother!
And then you can, “Get Rich At Home.”
Yup, 45 minutes while whatever I had in my cart that was hot cooled off and whatever was cold got warm.
I never did find the rice.